Keeping Up Appearances

 I started this blog in January of this year, and I must say: I'm really proud of and happy with how I've kept up with it. I was just going through my list of blog posts and noted how I have posted three per month. That's roughly one per week. And that's something I'm really proud of, because life is insane. It moves so fast, and so much is happening constantly, so I'm really proud of the fact that I've made a commitment, once a week, to write something here. Seeing that progress put down in numbers over the past ten months has made me realize that this is something I can see myself doing for the rest of my life. Not just writing for this blog, but writing in general.

 I'm also just amazed at how quickly this year has passed. I know it's only October, and yet-- IT'S ALREADY OCTOBER. It feels like a millisecond ago it was January and I was in a very different coffee shop with my friends making a short film. And now, I'm in my best friend's coffee shop making vlogs and talking about the web series we made together.

 I'm doing things for me now. I'm doing what I want and living my life for me, and not spending every second of every day focusing on other people. I'm no longer paralyzed by fear of what others will think of me. I'm no longer doing things simply for the sake of keeping up appearances. I'm no longer pretending to be the person I think other people need me to be. I'm being myself. And that's not to say that I don't still care what people think. Of course I do. But I'm not allowing their thoughts to change me: what I do or who I am. I think that's allowing me to be more giving of myself. And that fact has reminded me of something I don't think enough people take to heart: you can't help others until you help yourself first. 

 -Fran

Treat. Yo. Self.

This weekend was a little slice of heaven. If the past three days are any indication of what my adult life will be, I'm in. Sign me up. Saturday morning I drove into the sunrise to spend the morning at Peaks Coffee Company with my closest friends. I listened to the most amazing song, and felt grateful because the life unfolding before my eyes looked like it had been taken directly from some awesome indie movie with amazing cinematography. At 9 am, (a time at which I am usually barely breathing) I left to go to my typical every-other-Saturday-shift at the library from 10-3.

 Sunday I woke up late and went apple picking with my family, an annual Colombus Day weekend event. I thought a lot about how this time last year (do I sound like a broken record yet?) I tried so hard to convince myself that I was happy. But I wasn't. This time, however, on the long, traffic-laden drive to the orchard, I couldn't stop smiling. It felt so amazing to just breathe in the moments, and not feel like I had to force them to be moments. When I got home, I lit some autumnal candles and watched the scariest thing my delicate sensibilities can handle-- American Horror Story: Hotel. I ended the day by going to my friend Kelsey's house for some quality Walking Dead bro time. There was monkey bread, popcorn, and a cat sat on my lap. (I know that sounds like a children's story, but it really happened and I was thrilled about it.)

 But Monday was the best day by far. I started the day off right-- with waffles topped with ice cream at my favorite local waffle place. My friend had a spiritual waffle experience, as this was his first time there. Then we got on the road to Rochester, NY for the second time this fall. We spent the day just hanging around Rochester with Kelsey, Sam, and Sam's sister. Kelsey and I finally got to go to Lush together, which was everything I'd ever dreamed of and more. In hindsight I probably spent too much money there, but then I remembered that today is "Treat Yo Self Day" (it's from Parks & Recreation, guys...) and I felt less guilty. After that, we spent the rest of the afternoon sitting in Pour Coffee Parlor with two other friends who now live in Rochester, which is as beautiful and aesthetic as it sounds. I enjoyed a chocolate overload with a chocolate cupcake and hot chocolate, and I have no regrets.

 Some people might not have enjoyed the day I had yesterday. I mean, who makes a lengthy drive to Rochester just to hit up a glorified vegan Bath & Body Works and then sit in a coffee shop for three hours? Well...us. I love these people I've surrounded myself by because they are the kind of people who don't mind taking a day trip just to enjoy the day. They don't have to make a huge ordeal out of something to enjoy it. There is a quiet simplicity in these friendships that I value more than anything else in the world.

 I love the generosity of autumn. I think there's something about the cold air and turning leaves that brings out geniality and for lack of a better term...the best in people. Unlike the Christmas season, which has just become a breeding ground for commercialism and unnecessary stress and anxiety, autumn is to me the most giving time of year. It's harder to do things with the people you love, with school and sports having started up again, but that just means it's that much more worthwhile when plans come together.

That's why this weekend was so great. I was busy, and maybe a little tired, but I was happy. I worked, I got inspired, and I loved. And I'm starting to realize that's all I can ever really ask for in this life.

Happy "Treat Yo Self Day" everyone. I hope you make the most of it!

 -Fran

This Time Next Year

 So this time last year, I was discontented with my life. And on the last day of my family vacation, I made  this list of what I wanted to be doing, and what I wanted my life to be. 

Here's what I wanted:

1. To be writing constantly

2. To have a mentor/someone to guide me

3. To be making things that I wanted to make (large scale projects)

4. To have a group of creative friends who were passionate about the same things as I

5. To be getting a degree? 

6. To have my friends all be happy as well

 And just yesterday I realized something: I have everything I wanted on that list and MORE:

1. I'm writing constantly: whether that's for this blog, for OVERDUE, for Peaks, for my novels, or for other projects.

2. I finally got that mentor-- literally. When I enrolled in Empire State College, I got paired with a "mentor" who is essentially a guidance counselor, educator, best friend, and creative champion all in one. It's only been a month, but she's already guided me through so many unknowns, that I know this was a good decision.

3. I'm making things constantly.

4. I've found that group of people, and I love them more than anything. They can intelligently dissect movies for hours but at the drop of a hat burst out in a Macklemore dance party. 

5. I just found out yesterday that I am well on my way to getting a degree. The degree I had accepted was probably never going to happen. 

6. Yesterday I sat in my best friend's coffee shop and drank hot chocolate in a room entirely lit by fairy lights. I think it's safe to say #6 is nearly there. 

 Realizing all of these things reminded me of a Raymond Carver quote I was pretty obsessed with last year. “Nights without beginning that had no end. Talking about a past as if it'd really happened. Telling themselves that this time next year, this time next year, things were going to be different.” I didn't believe that quote when I read it last year. But now I see the undeniable truth in it. And I'm only wondering how I could possibly visualize anything better than what I have now. But I have an active imagination. I'm sure I'll think of something.

 -Fran

The Intern: The Anne Hathaway / Robert DeNiro Movie I Didn't Know I Wanted

 This has been a pretty great year for feminism in film. In May we had Mad Max: Fury Road, which featured a diverse cast of women with more prominent speaking roles than the men. In July we had Trainwreck, Amy Schumer's hilarious but poignant feminist romantic comedy. 

 And in September we had...The Intern? If you had asked me two months ago if I thought The Intern would be a movie I would be legitimately excited over, I would have told you to leave me alone, because two months ago I was probably knee deep in a 72 hour X-Files binge. But last night I saw The Intern, at the urging of some friends whose opinions on movies (and life) I trust inherently. 

 I don't want to spoil anything: but this was a near perfect film. Taking a different tone of voice and spotlighting other aspects of inequality than Schumer's Trainwreck, The Intern highlights the struggle of the working woman in today's society. But before I get into the reasons why this movie was so wonderfully feminist, I have to remark on Anne Hathaway and Robert DeNiro's dynamic. To put it simply, they were pure magic together. Their relationship was based on mutual respect, and their interactions both within and without the workplace emphasized that with a little patience and a lot of respect, it is possible for older and younger generations to work together to make the world a better place.

 There were moments when I found myself trying not to sob, and then found myself thinking, "What the HELL? In a romantic comedy?! With ROBERT DENIRO?!" Hathaway's Jules Ostin is a complex, imperfect, and wonderful feminist role model. She has a tortured relationship with her mother, a passionate relationship with her work, and a good but not always easy relationship with her family-- her daughter and her husband. She's not always confident, she makes mistakes, but (and this is the "but" that had tears rolling down my face) she knows her worth. I really do not want to spoil anything, because this movie was so full of delicious and unexpected surprises, but there was a moment when I was unsure if I liked where the rhetoric of this film was headed. And then, with a single line, Nancy Meyers completely turned it around. This movie was complex, funny, sad, and real. It dealt with meaty topics in a careful but thorough way, while also being extraordinarily entertaining. I don't want to overhype this or anything, but I think this film is proof that a movie can be a fun, girly "date movie" while also having substance and making you feel like the film industry isn't doomed after all. 

Basically, go see The Intern. 

 -Fran

Happy Accidents

 September 24th, 2013.

Two years ago today, I got in a really bad car accident. And for a long time I thought it ruined my life. If you've known me for any amount of time, you'll know that I'm a planner. I’m organized. I’ve always had a path laid out for myself. If people were Parks & Recreation characters, I’d be Leslie Knope. (Or Ben Wyatt. I haven’t decided yet.)

 But looking back on it now, I realize that that car accident didn’t ruin my life. It just took me off a path I was wrong to think I should be on, and down another, more suitable one. I can’t even begin to tell you how significant that is. Even though it’s been two years, I can still remember sitting on the couch with my mom right after it happened, and her saying, “One day you’ll understand why this happened.” I remember that like it was yesterday, and I also remember feeling like there was no way in hell that would ever be true. But she was right. I understand it now. I wasn’t where I was supposed to be.

 I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that everything just happens. And you can either choose to be strong about it or you can think the universe is out to get you. But it's not. The universe doesn't care. The universe is fucking indifferent. But you know who isn’t indifferent? People. These are the people who got me through. I love you. Whether you gave me a pep talk, drove me to Starbucks, sat with me while I cried, got me to drive again, or helped me make a web series, I love you. 

 And if your life is such right now that you’re faced with an uncertain path, something you really aren’t sure of…go with your gut. Do the right thing for you, even if it’s the hard thing. Because at the end of the day, you have to live with the choices you’ve made, not anyone else. And you get to make those choices. Those choices that will either lead to immense happiness or overwhelming sadness. And that’s a privilege. So don’t you dare let anyone else make your choices for you and say you had none. Because you always have a choice. Two years ago, I wanted to give up. I wanted to die and I wanted to not try and I wanted to stay inside and never do anything again except watch Friends and cry. But I fought. I fucking fought. I wrote through it and I walked through it and I talked through it until I got through it. And then I kept going. I didn’t just stop and smile once I saw that I was "through it." I kept walking, so as to put it as far behind me as possible.

 And now I’m here and yesterday I drove to Rochester for a concert and I tried sushi for the first time and visited cool coffee shops with friends and ate waffles. And that isn’t to say it doesn’t still haunt me. I worry every day about that dark, hopeless feeling sneaking up on me and grabbing me from behind again. But the thing is…I’ve got protection now. I have people who have been through it too, so it almost feels like we’re all standing in a giant circle back to back, protecting each other. (Avengers style) That’s an awesome feeling, and something I’m really proud to be a part of. I’m honored to protect you guys. 

 So…I’m not trying to say I’m happy the accident happened. I'm definitely not. But I accept that it did and I accept that I am here as a result and that here doesn’t suck. It doesn’t suck at all. 

 -Fran

T W E N T Y on the T W E N T I E T H

 I kind of hate my birthday. I mean, every year my birthday has always coincided with a football game, or a soccer game, or some other sporting event I had no interest in but everyone around me was obsessed with. Two years ago, I had chest pains on my birthday as a result of severe anxiety, and the next morning went to the emergency room after throwing up from back pain. Last year, my childhood babysitter died three days before my birthday, and no one wanted to watch the movie I wanted to watch on my birthday. This year, however, things were different. My friends decided to throw me a party after I pinned a picture of a beautiful fall gathering on Pinterest. 

 I had an amazing day on the 19th. I watched The X-Files with a friend, and then went to the party. They got fall decorations, put up awesome lights and banners, and made all my favorite foods. That night will probably always stick out in my mind as one of my favorite birthday memories: sitting in my friend's aesthetic backyard under the foliage and stars, eating food and laughing. I can’t really begin to say how grateful I am to have these people in my life. I feel so strangely complete when I’m with them. I’ve always considered myself to be this badass independent woman, but when I’m around these people I see how truly empty I’ve been these last few years. Thank you guys for making this day, usually one of the worst days of the year, one of the best. One of my favorite quotes from The X-Files is, "I want to believe." And I do. I want to believe that my life can be like this all of the time. As long as I surround myself with wonderful, awesome, kindhearted and genuine people. September is not easy for me, as I’ve said before. But just having these people there, knowing I could cry or talk to them about anything, made everything easier. At the end of the night it rained, and I danced in the downpour and walked in the drizzle. The leaves blew off the trees as I was driving home, and for once in my life things just felt right.

 Twenty feels very different from 19. It feels more even, balanced. I think 19 was a good number for how I felt last year. A little off-kilter, uneven, so close to that solid footing and yet so far. So it feels weird to have a number that now represents where I'm at. This whole week, I've been marveling at how balanced I feel. Like I can handle things I couldn't before. I have so many more things going for me. Today, on my actual birthday, I went to lunch with my best friend, watched Gilmore Girls with my sister, ate good food, got everything I wanted (I didn't ask for much) and watched Kingsman: The Secret Service. I decorated my room for fall, edited a video, and read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It was simple and quiet, but perfect, because I was so full of love for everyone around me.

 Twenty, I wasn't ready for you before, but I am now. I'm twenty, and good with it.

 -Fran

Stress & Surprising Yourself

   I surprised myself this week. With everything that I've been through, all the ups and downs that life has thrown at me, I've been really careful with myself these past two years. Careful not to put too much on my plate or give myself more than I can handle. But I realized this week that I am more than capable, and I'm not as fragile as I used to be. I’m strong. 

 This week I: 

Spent my entire Monday with friends, cooking food and watching Wet Hot American Summer. 

Worked at the library, as per usual.

Babysat on Wednesday, which is usually my day off. (I will be doing this every Monday and Wednesday for the next month or so.)

Helped with some writing for Peaks Coffee Co.

Got my car inspected.

Made my birthday list. (At my mom's request)

Watched The X-Files with a friend.

Got a lot less sleep than usual.

 I don’t know why that all seems really significant to me, but for some reason it does. I mean, usually in any given week I’ll work, do a little writing, and then have nothing but spare time in between to overthink and overanalyze and generally be completely alone with my thoughts. For a long time I thought I needed that time. And I think I do, to some extent. But this week I proved to myself that I can get by without it, and I won’t become a total mess. I have this constant, nagging fear that one day I’ll slip up…and revert back to being the person I was in high school. A person that I hated. She was an anxiety machine, she was never happy, and she was never satisfied with herself. I don’t want to be that person ever again. So part of me probably thought that if I just didn’t do a lot, if I was never stressed, I wouldn’t become that again. But after this summer of stress and anxiety but also joy, I think it’s safe to say I’ve outgrown that person. I’m much more equipped to handle stress. It’s not the end of the world for me anymore. No longer does being stressed equal being unhappy. And if I do say so myself, that’s pretty significant. 

 -Fran