My (New and Improved) Morning Routine

 You see bloggers talk a lot about their "morning routine." Spend five seconds on Pinterest and a thousand of those posts and articles will crop up. I know this because I've pinned about 500 of them. But my morning routine has never consisted of tea and a face mask, or whatever the heck they always recommend. Maybe it used to, but when you have to leave for work at 8:50 to get there by 9:30, you'd have to get up pretty dang early to accomplish more than the basics. Or so I thought. I already get up pretty dang early-- 6:30, to be exact. (And since 8:30 used to be early for me, I consider the fact that I now get up at 6:30 a miracle.) 

I used to think that, even with getting up at 6:30, I only had time for the basics before work. Get up, shower, eat, make my lunch, do some school work, kiss Eli goodbye, leave. There isn't time for yoga, I'd say. But tell me this-- if there isn't time for it in the morning and in the evening there's only time for dinner and two episodes of a show before I inevitably fall asleep, when the hell am I going to do the things that actually take care of me? When am I going to do all the things the Pinterest articles talk about? 

This disparity produced something of an existential crisis of balance, which you've witnessed first-hand through these blog posts the past few months. But then came the new year, and those three days off. I started doing yoga not once a week, not twice a week, but Every. Damn. Day. I made it my habit every morning to wake up, roll over, and roll out my mat. Then I added meditation. I tacked on a three to five minute self-affirming meditation at the end of my yoga practice. Then I bought a deck of tarot cards, and in an effort to become familiar with the deck and the practice, I started doing a daily one card reading every morning after my yoga. This entire process-- yoga, mini-meditation, and tarot reading takes about twenty to twenty five minutes. Since I wake up at 6:30 and am on the mat by 6:40, this means by 7:05 I am in the shower. It used to be that between 6:30 and 7 I would scroll endlessly through social media in order to get quote unquote wake up. Now, I've replaced those thirty minutes of scrolling with thirty minutes of self-improvement, and I am feeling the difference. I feel better, stronger, calmer and more centered. I feel CLEAR. And I don't miss those thirty minutes of scrolling. I still scroll throughout the day, and I'm never going to be one of those people who vilifies social media. Because it's not the social media that's bad, it's the way we use it.

And then, after all that, I still have time to read. Having dressed, done yoga, and nourished myself, I curl up in my bed and read for anywhere from 30-50 minutes. And I feel whole again. That's right-- now, with the addition of yoga and self-reflection to my morning, I have even more time to READ. Who knew that the advice my therapist gave me exactly FIVE TRILLION YEARS AGO was actually true? You can do less and actually feel like you've done more! Who knew?! Everyone, it turns out.

So that's my new and improved morning routine. I'd recommend trying to implement one for yourself, but don't just do what I do. What I do works for me. Don't measure your success at self-care by whether or not you drink tea and do face masks, or whatever it is everyone else does. (I realize I've shit on tea and face masks a lot in this blog post. I don't hate them, they're simply the first typical "self-care" things I thought of.) I did for a while, and it only made me feel worse, because those things feel useless to me. I was desperately trying to make this persona of calm fit me, and feeling more desperate and anxious over the fact that those things didn't make me calm. Simply put, what I now do every morning works for me because it makes me feel like I'm improving myself. That I'm actually doing something good for myself. Self-awareness and analyzation are very important to me. Reflection and time alone with my thoughts help me to understand who I am underneath everything that I am a part of. Underneath my relationship, my job, and my education. Time away from that routine is what I think has made me feel so untethered these past few months. I've been untethered from myself. 

This morning routine has been a 20 minute daily way for me to get to know myself again. A 20 minute check-in. So that's what I'm recommending to you. Whether that's yoga, taking a walk, reading, journaling, or doing a damn face mask-- find a way to check in with yourself every day. But don't torture yourself by doing what others think is the right method of relaxation. Do the things that actually relax you. 

Just a little bit of self-care common sense from the girl who took 4 months to realize all this. 

 -Fran

Three More Days

Last week I had three magical days off in a row. I don't think I've had more than two days off in a row since I started this new job. After four months of nonstop, this was so different I almost didn't know how to do it. 

On my first day off: I recharged. I did yoga, cleaned, and then got back into bed. Watched A Series of Unfortunate Events, drank tea. The boy came over, and we watched Westworld, then took a dang nap. I plotted two more days of rest.

On my second day off: I figured out which of my chakras is blocked. (Sacral. Obviously.) Did yoga, meditated, got hot chocolate from Peaks, and watched more A Series of Unfortunate Events. Finished a book I've been reading since September, then finished a short story that has been sitting half-finished on my hard drive for two weeks. 

On my third day off: I began it once again with yoga. Then, a walk through the art park and a trip to the store, accompanied by a podcast featuring Brene Brown, who in just one hour helped me realize some huge things about myself and my relationships. When I got home, I had an email about work. Which, all through my shower, totally wigged me out. I should just do that, I told myself, tension headache already forming. I started to feel myself getting back into that mindset of "getting things done" and I hated it. I tried to fight it off. I sat down in bed, and told myself I would only work on this thing for an hour at most, and then I would move on. In that hour, I made huge edits, found the perfect music, and was able to honestly say in my email reply that things were going well with the project. Then, I actually did as I promised myself I would-- I moved on. I watched more Netflix, and then settled in to read. At which point- another headache, which plagued me for the rest of the day. 

The moral of the story is: whenever possible, rearrange your schedule in your favor. Ahead of my three days, I desperately scrolled through Pinterest, trying to figure out what I would “do” with my time. By the end of night one, I thought to myself, “What in the world am I going to do with two more days off?” But the thing is, we need it. We need that time, that empty space, to fill with creativity. Otherwise it’s like trying to fill a shot glass with creativity. I think creativity is a lot like a gas, or a cat. It will fill the space you give it. If you are only able to give it a little bit of space, it will be small. But if you’re able to give it a whole room, it will be vast. 

I think it was absolutely vital for me to learn how to have a successful day off. I can't tell you how many times Eli has innocently and sweetly entered my apartment on a Wednesday or Sunday, only for me to snap at him after he's done LITERALLY NOTHING WRONG, while sweating and holding a vacuum in one hand, yoga mat in the other, Netflix playing in the background. Since I started working full time I've been so desperately trying to do all of my down time in those single days off, that I've failed completely, and only stressed myself out more. I needed these three days to learn that-- I accomplished all of the relaxing on day one. And again on day two, with a little more creative productivity thrown in. And again on day three. I needed three days off with literally nothing planned to learn how to relax again. 

So I think part of the reason why I feel so good right now is because I had time to simply be at home. Nowhere to be, nothing to do, except feel safe and relaxed and comfortable in my (still relatively new) space, and make it even more of a home. Even doing something as small as just finding a box to put my crystals in, to make them feel special. This made my room feel like a zen space, and I've felt it's power because I've been able to spend time feeling zen in there. As I said to my therapist about yoga this week, "it doesn't matter if you 'know yoga will help' if you don't actually do it! It can't help you if you don't do it!" Making the commitment to yoga and making the commitment to being chill and doing absolutely nothing on those three days transformed my apartment from something that "could be chill if I had time" to something that "is chill because I spent three days being lazy as heck in it." 

I feel better at the end of this three day retreat than I did when I began. I relaxed, I read, I weeded the books and ideas and pressures from my life that I no longer have space or time for. I got organized, and planned the things I've been avoiding in an effort to make them less negative. And I got clear. Maybe not on what I want to do with my entire life. Because,  f*ck. That's a big thing to figure out in three days, and the kind of bullshit only I would expect that from myself. But I do know what I want to do with this year. I want to tell my truth. I want to write it, film it, document it in drawings and pictures and letters and Instagram captions and short stories and blog posts. I want to write through and write out the shit that is hardest for me to say. Because one thing I have learned from my family in the past twenty years of ups and downs and emotional bullshit is-- it does way more harm than good to hide it. To not say it. So I'm going to be honest. I'm going to speak the f*cking truth, my f*cking truth-- the things that make me cry and make me feel ashamed and make me feel happy and scared. Because that is the only way I am going to remain grounded and human and real, and not a shell of a person who is host only to depression and anxiety. I want to be host to creativity and love and life and abundance. Not that other shit. 

And that is a tall order, I know. But I'm going to do it one piece at a time. The other day, I was working on a short story, and it was so hard for me to write the final sentences of the story that would actually make it good. Because it made me feel vulnerable to write those words, and vulnerable to even think them. But once I went there, even though thinking them inflicted tiny cuts on my heart, the second I wrote them they started to heal. 

My third day off, on my morning walk at the art park, I listened to an episode of Krista Tippet's podcast On Being, featuring Brene Brown. She talked about vulnerability, because that is her jam. I've only scratched the surface of what I think vulnerability's importance is in my life, but I have a suspicion that it holds the key to everything. I think when I dare not go there, when I dare not be vulnerable, when I dare not look at the things I know will hurt me, I hurt myself more. I think my creativity is tied to my vulnerability. So when I hid from my vulnerability, I hid from my creativity. Maybe I needed to hide for a minute to see that that was the case. To see what I was hiding from.

But I think I'm done hiding now.

-Fran 

This Week [#2: A Little Out of Focus]

Welcome to my week. It was a little out of focus.

  Mondays: When you get boring, mundane things done and it makes you feel like the king of the world... Like finishing a book you've been reading for a month, finishing season 2 of 30 Rock, cleaning your car, and doing laundry.

 Tuesdays: The great thing about going out to breakfast is that it's one less thing you have to do before you leave when you inevitably get up too late because you were having a dream about Evan Peters.

 Wednesdays: When you surprise yourself by writing essays and then the world gets very exhausting.

Thursdays: When you do yoga, draft essays and then FaceTime a two year old.

 Fridays: When you get a check in the mail that you weren't expecting, which feels like a sign from the universe that you're on the right track, so you decide to go home the long way round and experience some truly gorgeous views.

 Saturdays: When you find yourself scream-singing the new Adele album, both with your best friend in her coffee shop at too early of an hour, and alone in your car at a much later one.

Sundays: When you go to "breakfast" that ends up being both breakfast and lunch, (but not brunch) and then buy too many cozy winter items at Target, and then feel the sweet relief of knowing that your favorite character is okay.

This week, I felt a little out of focus. A little all over the place. I got things done without planning to, and other things cropped up that I didn't plan either. Basically, it was a week of the unexpected, the unplanned, but not unpleasantly so. I felt out of focus, off kilter, but life was still beautiful. I'm excited for the coming week of holidays and being reunited with people I love. Thinking about that as I go into this week. I like this blog format, because it's a place to catch my thoughts as they come. It's usually formal and polished, but it's also natural.

  -Fran

Happy Accidents

 September 24th, 2013.

Two years ago today, I got in a really bad car accident. And for a long time I thought it ruined my life. If you've known me for any amount of time, you'll know that I'm a planner. I’m organized. I’ve always had a path laid out for myself. If people were Parks & Recreation characters, I’d be Leslie Knope. (Or Ben Wyatt. I haven’t decided yet.)

 But looking back on it now, I realize that that car accident didn’t ruin my life. It just took me off a path I was wrong to think I should be on, and down another, more suitable one. I can’t even begin to tell you how significant that is. Even though it’s been two years, I can still remember sitting on the couch with my mom right after it happened, and her saying, “One day you’ll understand why this happened.” I remember that like it was yesterday, and I also remember feeling like there was no way in hell that would ever be true. But she was right. I understand it now. I wasn’t where I was supposed to be.

 I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that everything just happens. And you can either choose to be strong about it or you can think the universe is out to get you. But it's not. The universe doesn't care. The universe is fucking indifferent. But you know who isn’t indifferent? People. These are the people who got me through. I love you. Whether you gave me a pep talk, drove me to Starbucks, sat with me while I cried, got me to drive again, or helped me make a web series, I love you. 

 And if your life is such right now that you’re faced with an uncertain path, something you really aren’t sure of…go with your gut. Do the right thing for you, even if it’s the hard thing. Because at the end of the day, you have to live with the choices you’ve made, not anyone else. And you get to make those choices. Those choices that will either lead to immense happiness or overwhelming sadness. And that’s a privilege. So don’t you dare let anyone else make your choices for you and say you had none. Because you always have a choice. Two years ago, I wanted to give up. I wanted to die and I wanted to not try and I wanted to stay inside and never do anything again except watch Friends and cry. But I fought. I fucking fought. I wrote through it and I walked through it and I talked through it until I got through it. And then I kept going. I didn’t just stop and smile once I saw that I was "through it." I kept walking, so as to put it as far behind me as possible.

 And now I’m here and yesterday I drove to Rochester for a concert and I tried sushi for the first time and visited cool coffee shops with friends and ate waffles. And that isn’t to say it doesn’t still haunt me. I worry every day about that dark, hopeless feeling sneaking up on me and grabbing me from behind again. But the thing is…I’ve got protection now. I have people who have been through it too, so it almost feels like we’re all standing in a giant circle back to back, protecting each other. (Avengers style) That’s an awesome feeling, and something I’m really proud to be a part of. I’m honored to protect you guys. 

 So…I’m not trying to say I’m happy the accident happened. I'm definitely not. But I accept that it did and I accept that I am here as a result and that here doesn’t suck. It doesn’t suck at all. 

 -Fran

A Weekend At The Lake Keeps The Doctor Away

  So for the past two months, I’ve spent practically all my time at work. Well, my place of work. Not only do I typically work at the library Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I have also been picking up shifts as my co-workers have taken their summer vacations. But then I've spent every OTHER spare moment I've had at the library as well. For filming. Monday and Wednesday nights, when I don't usually work, we've been there filming. Friday nights, Saturdays, and Sundays, we've been there filming. 

  And even though this was very much of my own free will, and most of the time it has been SO MUCH fun, I was still more than eager to get away this past weekend. We went to my family’s lake house in the Finger Lakes, and I was so ready to completely disconnect. With no internet, no wi-fi, and barely any service to speak of, this was an opportunity to get back in touch with myself. To get in touch with nature. To reconnect with my family. To just be. And boy was that… uh, Overdue. (Excuse the pun. I am trash.) 

  After so many weeks in a row being consumed by schedules, scripts, and yes, anxiety, it was an extremely foreign yet delightful feeling to lay my head down on the pillow Friday night and realize I had nothing to do, think of, or worry about for the rest of the weekend. It was a much appreciated feeling. On Saturday I refused to get dressed aside from putting on a pair of "shorteralls" over my bathing suit. I swam in the lake, read on the dock, ate too much ice cream and watched Parks & Recreation in my back bedroom with the windows open and the fan on high. We played cards, roasted marshmallows over the fire, and I didn't shower for three days. Basically, it was a wonderful and much needed escape.

  I returned home on Sunday night feeling mildly refreshed but like I could have gladly stayed a few days longer. You can find my lake vlog here! They were my favorite videos to make last summer, and I had so much fun taking footage and putting it together this time around as well. Going into this new week, I'm excited to finally film the final episode of OVERDUE before I depart for my real vacation next week. This mini-vacation was just a taste of the relaxation I'll get to experience next week. And while I can't wait, I know I have some work to do before then.

So here's to getting shit done!

 -Fran