Last Week #24 | Waiting for Waffles

When you hear the words "there's a 45 minute wait for waffles,"at 11:30 am on a Sunday when you haven't eaten anything yet, it doesn't really inspire courage. Or patience.

This week was a lot of valley, with Peaks in sight. I got a lot of news-- the apartment will be getting brand new cabinets, you have 5 assignments due October 3rd, your birthday is next week, and oh yeah, the official move-in date is October 1st. By Saturday, I was a hurricane of emotions. As I had to assure Eli, it wasn't anyone's fault. It just happened, and suddenly I was too overwhelmed to even spend time with him. Figuring out the logistics of where we were going to go was too much, so I sent him home, felt guilty, laid in my bed, watched my favorite movie, and cried. 

There's been so much happening lately, I think it all just caught up to me, and I couldn't even give love to the person I love the most, because I hadn't given enough love to me.

My birthday is tomorrow, and I don't feel ready for my it. I don't ever, really. I mean, who feels ready to face the fact that another year has gone by and what have they done with it and also they're one year closer to death?! Certainly not me. But I'm also not ready for the disappointment. I mean, really. Who decided it was a good idea for everyone to have one specific day each year that they can pin all their idyllic birthday hopes and dreams on? It's practically guaranteed to be a letdown. And it's, again, not anyone's fault. It's the system's fault. (F*ck the system, man.) Each year, my birthday feels a lot like waiting 45 minutes for waffles. Exasperating, and at the end someone usually does something wrong, like gives you vanilla instead of chocolate ice cream on top. Listen, this isn't meant to be some white girl's first-world-problems post about how she hates her birthday because she never got a pony. (Truth be told, I never wanted a pony. My biggest dream was to get a portable DVD player with the Gilmore Girls boxed set and be left alone to watch it in my room.) No, maybe I just don't know how to have a good birthday.

Case in point: last weekend, I had an early birthday celebration with Eli's family, and I was holding back tears the entire time. Not because it wasn’t nice, but because it was, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I thought a lot about how a person becomes who they are. Suddenly, without knowing it, these random people just understand your aesthetic and you become known for a purple flower and brownie pie. I still don’t understand family, because mine is not what I ever expected, or, if we’re being honest, what I hoped for. It’s more, and it’s less. It’s disappointing and it’s more than I’d ever imagined. So I don't know what to expect from tomorrow, but I've decided not to make a big deal of it. Last year, the 19th was way better than the 20th. My friends threw a party for me, and as I drove home in the rain with the boy I really, really liked in the passenger seat, I started to cry because it had been too perfect. 

"So maybe I don't want the perfect birthday, because I probably wouldn't be able to handle it anyway." I think to myself negatively as I write this at 8:50 on a Monday morning. And then I realize that is exactly what my astrologer was talking about when she said I needed to let go, and open my heart and deal with Chiron and shit. Maybe I need to let go of the bad birthday archetype I have in my head, and open myself up to it being whatever it's gonna be. Okay, that was a more positive ending, right? 

 -Fran

Last Week #20 | I Got Lost in the Woods and All I Got Were These Lame Cliches

Disclaimer: This blog post is about to be really really real. 

On Monday of this past week, I had my first day at a brand new job. Granted, it's just a different library job (it's not like I changed careers) but it was one hell of an adjustment nonetheless. I'm not going to sugar coat it. On days one and two, I was overwhelmed as hell. To put it in culturally relevant terms, I felt like Eilis at the beginning of Brooklyn. I walked out the doors at the end of my shifts the first two days, sat down in my car and promptly burst into tears, soaking Eli through with my worries and fears and doubts. 

This library is simply different. The vibe is different, and the job I'm working is just MORE. It's a definite step up in terms of hours and workload. There's a much more serious tone. Which is absolutely fine, professionalism is great, but at 20 and 7/8ths years old, it's a little overwhelming. I'm used to wearing whatever I want and not having to worry about what will happen if I get a tattoo one day. I'm used to making jokes and showing off what I like to call my "trash youth interior" while also still being professional and doing my job. So the first two days, when I was getting oriented and didn't really get to talk to anyone, I was drowning. And I find that really interesting, because I always thought I didn't like people. But on day 4, when I got to do more of what I'll be doing every day-- sitting behind the desk and interacting with patrons, I was happy. Which was mind blowing to me. I like people?! I thought. My whole life is a lie! 

Another challenging aspect of this week was filming. As you may know, I'm working on my second short film of the summer (but my 4th overall project). Once again, we had limited time to get it done-- basically Friday was all we had. So we ventured back out into the woods at around 6 pm, with storm clouds looming ominously over our heads. We got the shots, we got the shots, we had fun, blah blah blah. It started to get dark, and we still had a few shots left and increasingly limited time, so we powered through. But then, in the wake of the excitement of getting the shot, reality settled back over us-- in the forms of darkness, fog, and thunder. 

I won't say we got lost, because that would be an insult to Eli's navigating skills. But we did get a little... disoriented and eventually realized that instead of taking the long way back (which would lead us to the water bottles and other supplies we had left behind while the daylight still lingered), it was smarter to take a shortcut, because our ever-anxious director was freaking out a little bit. This turned out to be a very muddy, mucky, messy and sharp shortcut. I hated it. But afterwards, lying in the safety of my bed in borrowed sweatpants while my white shorts that I stupidly wore soaked in a bucket in the bathroom, I looked over the shots I got and I realized two significant things. 

1. It was worth it. Even though I knew that behind the shots where the camera movement was glorious were the oozing scratches on my legs now covered in Neosporin, they were so worth the blood, sweat, and tears.
2. And 2, and this relates to my post last week, I really love filmmaking. Because even though it is sometimes a perfect recipe for stress, anxiety, and occasional pain, everything else pales in comparison.

So I guess if I were to try to connect these two topics somehow, I'd say this. When I was hemming and hawing over whether or not to even apply for this new job, my brilliant and wise mentor Yvonne said something that stuck with me. She said, "There's really no such thing as wrong choice.  It's all just experience and whether it's awesome or not so awesome, we learn what we need to learn and adjust and go forward and look forward to the next things. Enjoy the in between-ness, if you can." When I was lost in the woods, I thought I had made the worst choice in the world. On day 1, I questioned whether I had made a mistake. But sitting here, on the morning of day 5, I'm realizing that she's right. It's all just experience. And for better or worse, we're going to get lost in the muddy woods sometimes, but hopefully in the end we can sit on our beds and realize it was worth it. 

That was so cliche, I think I need to take another shower. 

-Fran

Last Week #18 | This Blog Post Was Always Going to Be About Harry Potter

The following is a sample of a text conversation between myself and my boyfriend.
Me, last night at midnight: "lol when your weekly vlog is 1:48 long. hahahaha." 
Eli: "Haha...that's ok, it's been a tired week." 

And a tired week it was. The week began with a screening of OVERDUE, and ended with my final day at the Minoa library. Then on Friday, on my first real day off in a long time, I started to get sick.  Coincidentally, my family left for vacation on Friday, and I was planning on joining them at some point during this week. But in a stunning turn of events, the few days I had to myself this weekend were spent sicker than I've been in a long time. I don't really get sick. I get headaches sometimes, my periods are pretty bad, but other than that I'm healthy. So to have the first fever I've had since probably 2013, on the first days of my "vacation," and be completely alone to boot, sucked. I spent a lot of time crying, a lot of time sweating, a lot of time shaking with cold, and a lot of time watching Portlandia. (I may have watched 3 seasons in two days...maybe.)

I cried for a few reasons. 1) Because Eli and I had plans to do a lot of cool things on Saturday-- like go to the local market and see new bakeries-- and I couldn't do any of it. Suffice to say I was seriously bummed. 2) Because one of the reasons I even stayed home to begin with was so I could go get the new Harry Potter book (technically it's a script book...) at midnight. But as I was sweating and dizzy from a fever, I couldn't really do that. 3) Because, and I found this out later, I was PMS-ing.

Sounds like a fun weekend, right? Just a perfect storm of misery. Anyway, even though I still don't feel 100% sitting here on Monday, yesterday I was able to drag myself out of bed for long enough to go pick up my reserved copy of The Cursed Child, go to Peaks, eat some waffles, and start reading.

In the bookstore, I found myself thinking about all of the past Frans. The 2007 Fran, at the midnight release party of what she and everyone else believed to be the last story she'd ever get from the Harry Potter universe. The 2013 Fran, sitting on the couch miserable with undiagnosed back pain, but overjoyed having just learned that that hadn't been the end-- we were getting a TRILOGY of new movies based on the companion books! I also thought about what 2007 Fran would think of her life now. Would she be happy with where she is? Reading, writing, learning, and creating more things than she ever would have imagined. Sitting in a coffee shop owned by her best friends, at which her super hot boyfriend works. (I imagine she would be.)

On the drive from the bookstore to Peaks yesterday, I cried. But I didn't cry because of the new Harry Potter book. I cried because I remembered how sad past Fran was, and how (generally) happy current Fran is. I cried because I realized that something I'd always suspected had been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. Through everything, Harry Potter has been there. And through everything, he always will be. I'm not going to lie, before I got my hands on this book I wasn't even that excited for it. I was afraid it wouldn't be good, and worse still, that I just didn't care about Harry Potter like I used to. In the darkest corner of my mind, I was terrified that somewhere along the line I had outgrown it. But on Sunday afternoon, after a weekend of tears and anxiety, reading this book felt like going home again. All those times when I was younger, where I picked up a Harry Potter book whenever I was sad, those weren't isolated incidents reserved for childhood. While this new book may be a tad different, it still feels the same way it always did. It feels like going home.

-Fran

Last Week #17 | The Overgrowth

 I know, I know. I've already written a blog post on growing recently, but it seems to be the most prevalent thing in my life right now. This week I was faced with the very harsh reality of outgrowing things. Not only did I have to face facts— I haven’t bought summer shorts in about 2 years and, well, most of my things just didn’t fit right anymore. But also, a lot of other things in my life aren’t fitting right anymore. My childhood bedroom, for example. The idea of forced family vacations. My anxiety, although I haven't quite figured out how to shed that one. Lastly, and most surprisingly, my job at the Minoa library.

In order for you to understand how huge that last one is, I have to give you a bit of backstory. I started at the library in January of 2014, just a few months after getting in a car accident that left me hopelessly depressed on our living room couch, not wanting to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone. I got the job as a means of shutting up the people in my family wondering what the hell I was doing-- why I wasn't actively pursuing school, why I was still "letting" the accident effect me. If I have a job, I thought, they'll shut the hell up. Since then, the library has become something of a security blanket for me. Throughout all the ups and downs of choosing to do or not to do school, it's been there as my backup. I'm working, I said. But somewhere along the line the library became the stable job I did in the off hours of the rest of my life. I started going places, meeting people, and doing things. 

In my time at the library I: 

Wrote, filmed, acted in, and released a short film. 

Wrote, filmed, edited, and acted in a web series about the library, with the help of the most amazing cast and crew.

Met amazing new friends who are the creative squad I've always dreamed of.

Figured out who I am, and how to show that to people.

Officially started classes at a college that defies all my expectations of how nightmarish college is-- a place that appreciates and accommodates the type of student I am, and enables me to learn in whatever way works best for me.

Met a boy, and began my first real relationship.

I'm so sad to leave this library because, as I tried to convey in my web series, so much life has happened there. I was depressed, I was happy, I made friends, I had existential crises and mental breakdowns, I was sweetly and disgustingly in love. But for better or worse, I've outgrown it. It's a security blanket that I know I need to leave in order for anything to change, for anything to move forward in my life. And since I don't want to be the kind of person who just complains about things being bad and never makes the hard decision to change anything, I'm leaving. I start my new job at a bigger library on August 8th, and I'm utterly terrified, but hopeful that it will permit me to move forward.

But outgrowth doesn’t have to mean terrible things. It can be good. Outgrowing your fear, for example. That hasn’t quite happened for me yet, but I’m watching the people I love do it. So instead of calling it "outgrowing" I want to call this period in my life "overgrowing." Meaning I've grown past the expectations, the situations, and the life I’ve lived for so long. I feel like so many of us are overgrowing the lives we are in right now. We’re overgrowing our current situations, like sprawling plants out of their pots. And that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It doesn’t have to be taboo. We can all just be due for new pots- something we can grow into, something we can build a future on. I see and feel this overgrowth in many of my friends right now, and I’m hoping these next few months mark drastic change— where we demand the right sized pot and fresh soil from which to grow larger, stronger, and brighter.

 -Fran

Last Week #16 | Walk Through It

 In the aftermath of the last few weeks, this past week there was almost deafening silence. For four straight days, I had a sort of mental and physical reset. But as nice as that was, I was over it after about 24 hours. And I was even more over it when I realized that this one week was not going to be the end of it. There will likely be many more lonely days and awkward silences in the coming months, until everything changes for good like it needs to. In all honesty, I’ve come to hate those silences. I used to love them, because they served as a reprieve from the chaos in my head. Now, the chaos is much more manageable (or it’s the same and I’ve learned how to manage it better), but the silence invites even more of that chaos. I don’t know about you, but when I get in a quiet room with only myself and my thoughts, I tend to worry. 

This whole week, I’ve had to keep telling myself to stop living in the future. I caught myself going months and months ahead, envisioning what life will be like, envisioning the ways in which it will be disastrous and won’t work out. I kept having to pull myself back and say, “No. Live right here. Deal with that when you get there.” Which is a huge change for me, as ordinarily I would say, “I’m just thinking ahead. Preparing myself.” But that is a complete lie. I’m thinking ahead alright— and worrying. And that does absolutely nothing except instill a self-fulfilling prophecy of negativity and anxiety. This week I had to tell myself: If I’m going to think ahead, it needs to be positive. If I’m going to plan ahead, it needs to be in a way that benefits me, rather than convinces me things won’t work out. 

But try as I might, I returned, a little bit, to a past version of myself this week. I worried what people thought of me, I felt lonely, I binge-watched TV, I was blonde for a quick second, I fretted about my future and how it could possibly work out, and I started thinking up ways to get to a midnight release of a Harry Potter book while I am on vacation. By Friday I had worked myself into an anxious frenzy which culminated in a very loud conversation with Eli. I had started to convince myself that I was the past me, and that things were going to work out for me the way they always had for me before the magical year of 2015— terribly. I felt needy and lonely and I started to envision ways in which he would let me down or abandon me. I sort of pounced on things that weren't there...because I was afraid. And it's understandable...things are scary right now. Change is scary. But I don't have to indulge it, I don't have to let it win, and it doesn't have to change my behavior or keep me from doing things. Something I've always struggled with is that I often let physically uncomfortable sensations control me. I avoid confrontation, bees, strangely textured foods-- anything that makes me feel less than perfect. But fear is one of those sensations, and I can't let it keep me from moving forward in my life. My challenge is and will be to not indulge my fear.

There’s a moment in my vlog this week where Eli says, “We’re going to have to walk through all of this.” I think that’s a good one-sentence summary of my life right now. Things are changing, growing, and evolving. I'm now faced with the task of walking through all of it-- the change, the loneliness, the fear, the guilt, the happiness, and the anxiety. As much as my fear tries to convince me of this-- it isn’t actually 2013. I know what I want to do with my life, I have a general notion of where I'm headed, and I have the most loyal friends by my side. This new chapter is going to be a trek. But we’re going to walk through all of it together.

 -Fran

Last Week #9 | Honesty

 I'm a planner. And when I say planner, I don't just mean I like to make plans. I sure do, but that's not the extent of it. I like to make plans, and then I like to white knuckle grip the calendar in anticipation of my plan going awry. I clutch desperately to my plan, even if it's abundantly clear it's not going to work. And to be honest that has always worked for me, because I've only ever had to answer to myself, and things always got done that way. But now, something I'm learning as I progress and grow in friendships and relationships and adulthood, is that the plan isn't set in stone, and clinging to it like it is doesn't help anything. If something doesn't work, it doesn't work, and we should just do ourselves a favor and let it go. 

 This is easier said than done. Case in point-- I wrote the first paragraph of this blog post at the beginning of last week, and I meant it. I went on to talk about how "Things felt easier this week. Plans felt like they just came together, fell together. Although I did feel myself getting worked up about "the plan" at times, I tried to keep it in check, and not give in to that anxious crutch."

 I even went on to describe each day in detail, and talk about how things just fell together on each one of them, despite my not making explicit plans for them. For my grand finale I finished with, "I rolled with the punches this week, and I think it's because I did my best to channel my inner Idina and LET IT GO.  To all you planners out there, I challenge you, nay I urge you to unhand the calendar a little bit this week. Not to your detriment-- you should still use it to remember when that dreaded dentist appointment is, but remember that things will still get done even if you don't stare at it and check things off every five seconds. It's as much of an addition as technology or chocolate. Break up with your calendar this week. Or at least...take a 'break.'"

 But then, Sunday rolled around. And for some mysterious reason that I couldn't, and still can't figure out, I couldn't get out of bed. I've had depression for a good portion of my life I'd say. I've felt depressed before, I've been in the depths of it, and thought I'd seen and felt it all. But this, this not being able to get out of bed, this not being able to find a reason to get up despite the dozens of things I have to look forward to- in the immediate and long term future- this was new to me. And until about the middle of the afternoon, I couldn't cope with it. But then, I accepted some help. I allowed my boyfriend to come over, and we watched Bob's Burgers and ate Panera and randomly went to Old Navy so I could get out for a bit. It wasn't my original plan for the day, and there were parts of it that were ugly, but at the end, it was beautiful. 

 I decided early last week that I was going to start really writing on this blog. I'm not going to shy away from things anymore, I told myself. I'm going to tell the truth. The hard, ugly, blurry truth. So when it came time to finalize this blog post, I couldn't rationalize using the original draft, because it felt hypocritical to leave out the ugly bits just to prove my point. So I wanted to tell you the truth in this blog post. And the truth is, I have a lot to learn, even about things I thought I knew everything about. There are some things I'd rather not know more about, like the unexplored depths of my own depression. But even though it might not be my plan to learn more about it, even though I'd rather not go there, I have to realize that fuck-- things don't always go according to plan. I may very well see more depths, even amidst these many peaks. I'm working on coming to terms with that today, last week, and every day in the future. 

 -Fran

Last Week #6

 Last week was about enjoying the Peaks. It's easy to fall into a tired old routine and never want to stray from it simply because it's familiar. That's something I struggle with. Constantly. But this week I learned that baking brownie pie for friends and discovering newness in yourself and your relationships is never anything but great. 

 For instance, Monday I had my first ever improv class, which I was so incredibly nervous for but ended up so well. Though I had a fair amount of initial anxiety, by the end of the night I was glad I said yes to that opportunity, and followed through with it. 

 Friday, I said yes to another Peak. Literally. Filming the Kickstarter video for Peaks Coffee Company's new location at the crack of dawn, but getting shots that were so worth it. Witnessing moments throughout that I'll probably never forget. Spending a weekend with the people I love, relaxing, reveling in it all, and working to make their next endeavor a reality. 

 My favorite thing about my friends is that we never let each other say no to an opportunity that will be good for us. Even when it's hard, we always band together and figure out a way to make it happen, and make it happen well. We have each other's backs, and are constantly working to help make each other's dreams come true. They've taught me that life is about enjoying the Peaks and enduring the Valleys, and have not only ensured me but also shown me that they'll be there for both. 

 If you want to donate to a truly incredible company that believes in the power to change lives with a quality cup coffee, click here to watch (and donate!) to their Kickstarter. There a plenty of peaking good days ahead, and I'm looking forward to each and every one of them. 

#peakinggoodcoffee

-Fran

New Year, New Vibes

 There are few things I love more than the good energy that is gained through organization and mindfulness. When the clock turned 2016, it wasn't like I had time, or even a second, to pause and take a breath. I had things to do and accomplish right away, and a limited amount of time in which to get them done. So, I had to jump right in to 2016, and make sure I was adequately organized in order to keep myself together. With that in mind, these are some of the practices and products that have been keeping me on track going into the new year, and tricking me into feeling like I have my life together.

1. A Weekly Calendar-- I picked up this monthly and weekly calendar book by Sugar Paper from Target on January 2nd, when I realized that my old one was (literally) outdated. It has a place for your Monthly work goals, financial goals, personal goals, and important dates. In the weekly section, it has spaces for your top three most important things to accomplish, a list of calls you need to make, a to do list, a to email list, a to buy list, a don't forget category, and a "this week's goal" space. This might seem excessive, but in the three weeks I've been using it I've found that just writing things out helps to make it seem so much more manageable. Even the fullest of weeks, the ones with so many things you feel like you might as well not even try, are manageable.This is helping me to not only keep my plans and meetings straight, but keep on task with my greater goals in life.

2. Meditation and Yoga-- I've been doing each a few times a week, and I can't tell you how much it's been helping. It's so easy to say, "no, I don't have time for yoga today, I have way too much to do!" But it doesn't really help. I've realized that those are just lies we tell ourselves. We always have time. And if we don't spend those fifteen minutes doing yoga, chances are we'll find another way to spend those minutes on something much less productive somewhere throughout the course of the day. So you might as well just bite the bullet and make the time for it. I do yoga in the morning on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and meditate a few nights a week right before I fall asleep. I feel so much better and more centered on the days I choose to begin with a simple fifteen minute yoga video.

3. Himalayan Salt Lamp-- I know it's very new age hipster of me, but I recently caved and bought one. (And not for $40 from Urban Outfitters either. If you're thinking of buying one, I'd recommend checking out Home Depot or The Christmas Tree Shops, because I got mine for $19.99.) I'm sure you've heard all about how the negative ions make things better for both your body and the energy around you. But I can attest to the fact that it actually works. I feel more energized when I'm around it, I'm sleeping better, and the air feels purer and cleaner. Anyway, if the scientifically proven health benefits aren't tempting enough, it's guaranteed to look really nice in any room.

 I hope you found this blog post as enlightening as I have found these practices and products lately. (Pun definitely intended.) I'm loving my bedroom space especially, and even though Mercury is Retrograde, I feel on top of things. I'm feeling balanced and ready for the new year and new challenges ahead. I'm not quite sure if that's all the negative ions talking, or the fact that I actually have time to make myself a cup of tea and enjoy it these days, but I'm happy about it nonetheless.

And who knows, maybe trying a few of these things will help you feel that even though it's a new year, it doesn't have to be the same old, same old.

Namaste, I suppose.

 -Fran

This Week [#3: Family]

This holiday week/weekend was a time of figuring out what "family" means, and what it means to me. It really feels like that's what this week was about, because from beginning to end, that's the message that kept cropping up.

 Mondays: Watching great shows and having adult realizations that make you want to lay on the floor, give up, and die.

 Tuesdays: Watching The Mindy Project while you bake, which you feel like Mindy would definitely approve of.

Wednesdays: Reading great graphic novels, reuniting with friends, and going to impromptu Friendsgiving gatherings with the great best friend love of your life and getting Panera at 10 pm because you're cool like that.

Thursdays: When your favorite holiday always falls on your favorite day of the week and you have a kind of crappy day but you eat pie and hang out with a two year old who loves you despite the fact that you're imperfect and it makes it all better.

Fridays: Watching a movie about emotions with your family, crying your eyes out, and then going to bed early.

Saturdays: Telling your friends you're in aisle 20B when you're actually sitting at a table waiting for them and you didn't think they'd actually go there but they did. And then playing a card game you've been playing with your family for years and feeling like this small group of weirdos just might be your new family.

Sundays: Watching TV and napping. Eating. 

(Rinse and repeat until it's 10 pm and you're too tired to do it anymore.) Question: If it's a Sunday and you're actually a productive member of society, was it really a Sunday?

 It's weird when you get to an age where "family" is no longer the extended family you were born into, but the extended family you choose. I think how our culture defines family is arbitrary. I think we make our own families, and I think it's pointless to love people just because you're supposed to. It means a lot more when you choose them yourself, when you choose to love people despite how hard it might be sometimes. My family has become much more than my parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles. It now consists of: Starbucks employees, coffee shop owners, musicians, writers, artists and generally beautiful people (inside and out). It's people who call you on their break when you're having your third existential crisis of the week, it's people who you'd drive an hour and a half just to see for two hours, it's people who sit down and help force you to write because they get that you're having trouble doing it on your own, it's people who play cards with you in an emptying Wegmans on a Saturday night because there's nowhere else to go. These people are my family. 

 -Fran

Keeping Up Appearances

 I started this blog in January of this year, and I must say: I'm really proud of and happy with how I've kept up with it. I was just going through my list of blog posts and noted how I have posted three per month. That's roughly one per week. And that's something I'm really proud of, because life is insane. It moves so fast, and so much is happening constantly, so I'm really proud of the fact that I've made a commitment, once a week, to write something here. Seeing that progress put down in numbers over the past ten months has made me realize that this is something I can see myself doing for the rest of my life. Not just writing for this blog, but writing in general.

 I'm also just amazed at how quickly this year has passed. I know it's only October, and yet-- IT'S ALREADY OCTOBER. It feels like a millisecond ago it was January and I was in a very different coffee shop with my friends making a short film. And now, I'm in my best friend's coffee shop making vlogs and talking about the web series we made together.

 I'm doing things for me now. I'm doing what I want and living my life for me, and not spending every second of every day focusing on other people. I'm no longer paralyzed by fear of what others will think of me. I'm no longer doing things simply for the sake of keeping up appearances. I'm no longer pretending to be the person I think other people need me to be. I'm being myself. And that's not to say that I don't still care what people think. Of course I do. But I'm not allowing their thoughts to change me: what I do or who I am. I think that's allowing me to be more giving of myself. And that fact has reminded me of something I don't think enough people take to heart: you can't help others until you help yourself first. 

 -Fran

This Blog Shall Be Neglected No More!

One thing you should know about me: my fatal flaw is that I always take on too much. It didn’t work when I was in high school and trying to: maintain a 95 average, write a novel, be the president of clubs, read a book a week, and watch 80 different tv shows per week. And, oddly enough, it still doesn't work now.

This past month, I was surprised when I couldn't manage to: write a novel, write regular web content, write a college essay, maintain this blog, and vlog daily. Who knew I can't actually do 500 things at once?! Huh. That was news to me!

But now that April and daily vlogging are both over, I’m back. I’ll be able to tell you about my weird little life again. And it’s gotten even weirder in this last month. So this is just my quick little way of saying— I’ll have some cool things coming your way in the near future. So keep an eye out for that. :) 

Happy Avengers Opening Weekend! 

I’ll be going to see it tomorrow with my friends and sister. I am neither emotionally nor mentally prepared for what I’m sure it’s going to do to me. 

Avengers Assemble!

 -Fran