Last Week #1

 I have been making weekly vlogs every week since about April of 2015, and I've decided I'm going to start sharing them with you here. This may become a Monday feature in the future, but for now, have it today. 

 My reminder to myself last week was, "To enjoy the moments in between the chaos. See how your hard work has paid off." And that's exactly what I did, incidentally enough. Last week was kind of everything I want my life to look like, all the time. I caught up with friends and teachers, I worked, I saw that work pay off in print, I watched shows I love, I spent quality alone time with the person I love, I challenged myself with new experiences, and I prepared the final episode of the show I've worked so hard on for the last year, for publication. I saw things coming to a close and things just beginning. This is what last week looked like.

 I can only hope to be so lucky that the coming weeks will hold more of the same challenges and celebrations as this one did.

-Fran

Not Over OVERDUE

 So...OVERDUE (my YouTube web series that has been premiering since August 2015) is over. The final episode went live on Friday night, March 25th, and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. My emotions are a mixture of happy and sad, to be sure.

I mean, this project has taken up the last year of my life. And while there was a sadness that overtook me when we finished filming, the sadness I feel now is much more subtle, and yet greater. That sadness was palpable. This one is vague, rippling under the surface, overwhelming me in unexpected moments of vulnerability.

You all know that one of my favorite pastimes (because I am a nostalgic piece of garbage), is looking back. Seeing where I was then compared to where I sit now.

In August, I was terrified. I was afraid of people leaving and my life changing and new challenges and what all of these chances I was taking would mean for my future.

In March, I am still terrified, but more confident. I'm more sure of everything I'm doing. I'm surer with every passing day that what I'm doing is right for me.

In August, I had a little get-together at my house on the night the first episode was released. My good friends Sam and Kelsey were there with plenty of good food, as was Eli, the guy who made the theme song, who I didn't really know at that point. I sat next to him on the couch, unsure, uncomfortable, but wanting to be closer.

In March, that same group of four watched the final episode on my laptop in Sam & Kelsey's coffee shop. Then Sam, Kelsey, and Eli took me to dinner to celebrate. I sat close to Eli, knowing there wasn't a limit to how close I could get anymore.

 So much has changed, and so much has happened as a result of this show. This chance I took that I was scared every single day of ruining, of mucking up, has brought so much love and light and life into my world. And I think the fact that I'm so sad to see it go is an indicator of how right I was to take this chance, and a message to my future self to take more.

We're all overdue for something.
Maybe I was overdue for taking a few chances.

-Fran

P.S.- The playlist with all the episodes, minisodes, and trailers is right here, if you're interested in watching!

Keeping Up Appearances

 I started this blog in January of this year, and I must say: I'm really proud of and happy with how I've kept up with it. I was just going through my list of blog posts and noted how I have posted three per month. That's roughly one per week. And that's something I'm really proud of, because life is insane. It moves so fast, and so much is happening constantly, so I'm really proud of the fact that I've made a commitment, once a week, to write something here. Seeing that progress put down in numbers over the past ten months has made me realize that this is something I can see myself doing for the rest of my life. Not just writing for this blog, but writing in general.

 I'm also just amazed at how quickly this year has passed. I know it's only October, and yet-- IT'S ALREADY OCTOBER. It feels like a millisecond ago it was January and I was in a very different coffee shop with my friends making a short film. And now, I'm in my best friend's coffee shop making vlogs and talking about the web series we made together.

 I'm doing things for me now. I'm doing what I want and living my life for me, and not spending every second of every day focusing on other people. I'm no longer paralyzed by fear of what others will think of me. I'm no longer doing things simply for the sake of keeping up appearances. I'm no longer pretending to be the person I think other people need me to be. I'm being myself. And that's not to say that I don't still care what people think. Of course I do. But I'm not allowing their thoughts to change me: what I do or who I am. I think that's allowing me to be more giving of myself. And that fact has reminded me of something I don't think enough people take to heart: you can't help others until you help yourself first. 

 -Fran

September

  

  So on Monday, September 7th, we had a Labor day waffle party. We made waffles, watched the fourth episode of Overdue, and talked about plans for Peaks Coffee Company. I feel like a broken record, but I’m so grateful right now. September isn't easy for me...to say the least. But this is the first time in two years that it’s September and I don’t wake up every day with an overwhelming sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. And for some reason that makes me really sad. Every day this weekend, I cried. I cried because I’m happy, and I know that sounds really lame to say, but it’s true. Fall used to be my favorite season, but with the things that have happened to me the past two years, I’ve started to love it less…and have come to dread it even. 

 But with so many cool projects to focus on and incredible people surrounding me, I've nearly forgotten what month it is. Between Peaks, Overdue, writing poetry and stories, making short films, and generally immersing myself in this group of people who are all so passionate about what they're doing, I hardly have time to remember that I'm supposed to be sad. And even though most would consider that really good news, for some reason I'm finding myself crying about it a lot. And although Inside Out taught us all that sometimes you have to be sad to be happy, it's getting a little annoying. I mean, one second I'm driving to Starbucks, and the next I'm sobbing over the musical stylings of Hozier in my car. But luckily, my friends have been understanding and supportive. So now I’m excited to love and look forward to fall again.

 -Fran

8/28/15

  On this momentous day, I want to tell you about another day. A day that wasn’t as fun and easy. A day that was hard. It was only a few weeks ago, but it feels like a lifetime because with these people every moment is so full of life that I feel like I’ve lived a thousand years in the past thirty days.

  Sunday, August 9th was the hardest day in a long time. Not since high school graduation have I felt so simultaneously happy, sad, nostalgic, and some other emotion I can’t totally identify. After finishing filming the final episode of OVERDUE (the last episode of the summer), we ate pizza at one of our cast member’s houses and hung out. And when it was time for me to leave, go home, and pack for my vacation, I didn’t want to go. Not because I wanted to stay longer. I was pretty tired and actually wanted to go home. But no, I didn’t want to leave because it felt so final. To leave for a whole week? For the first time in my life I actually felt like I was leaving something behind. Like I had reason to stay. So even though I was ready for a vacation, I wasn’t ready to leave my friends for a week. And that was really hard. 

 When I got in the car accident that (whether I like it or not) led me to this day, the biggest thing I remember was that the guy with whom I got in the accident got out of his car and shrugged at me as if to say, "What the f*ck, man?" And for a long time, that kept me up at night. I would wake up in the morning or in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and just burst into tears because I couldn't understand it. Why would someone, a teacher of all people, treat another human being with such disrespect, such unkindness? Why would he do that? How could he do that? I shed a lot of tears over that one. So as a result, I (whether consciously or not) became kind of a cynic. With that one shrug, I lost my faith in humanity a little bit. But over the past three months, I've regained it in spades. I've always wanted to be a good person. That's one thing the accident did for me. From that moment on, I decided I wanted to be someone who would treat a person with absolute kindness in that situation.

 And maybe I’m wrong, or overreacting, and none of this actually matters. But this just feels really significant. That a group of people would continuously show up, week in and week out, to help me make this thing happen. That two people who I didn't even know until three months ago would spend the past 48 hours working around the clock to make sure our sound was good. That someone who I was only casually acquainted with in May could now be considered one of my best friends. That these people who I barely even knew a year ago could cause me such pain (like cry my eyes out in the car listening to Taylor Swift, pain) in their leaving. This just feels like a really significant thing, a really significant time in my life. I want to mark that. And I just want to be as good to other people as they consistently are to me. That’s all I want to do.

  I hope you check out the first episode of OVERDUE, which will go live on my YouTube channel at 7 pm. If not for me, do it for all of the other people who worked tirelessly on it this summer.

With lots of love & anxiety,

-Fran

Overdue...For Real This Time.

  This is the last hurrah. Tonight was our Overdue Cast & Crew party, and Sunday our co-director Monica leaves for school. Wednesday Andrew leaves for school. Thursday, Laura. So on a night such as this, you can bet I'm feeling pretty nostalgic. 

  What I’ve learned over the course of filming this web series about feeling "Overdue" for something more, (an undertaking of which I had no idea the enormity) is that this place doesn’t suck. This place doesn’t and the people especially don’t. I’m going to miss them all so much when they leave for their respective schools and places, but I’m just so glad I got the chance to know them all. I never thought I'd find a group of creative people with whom I want to spend my whole life making things. But I think I have. You can watch my video thanking them all individually here.

  I also learned that there are opportunities everywhere. They just may not present themselves to you in pretty little packages. You might have to work for them. You might have to carve them out of the stone yourself. You might have to find the stone on your own first, down some rocky, overgrown, dirt-ridden path. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. So if you’re feeling lost, look. Because you have the creativity and imagination and willpower to do ANYTHING. So find something to set your mind to, and do it.

 -Fran

Always Time To Do It Over...

                                 
  So…filming a web series. It seems like that's all I ever talk about anymore, but that's because it's all I ever do anymore. And with so many overlapping schedules and ever-dwindling time left in the summer, time has been the number one thing on my mind. How much we have, how much we don’t have, how much we can do with what we have left.

  I expressed these feelings to my friend Sam on Friday evening, before we began the massive undertaking of attempting to film an entire episode in one weekend. And he very astutely said, "There's always time to do it over, never time to do it right." Which was, essentially, exactly what I needed to hear. And he was completely right. There's always time to shoot and film the same scene over and over again. So if there's time for that, isn't there also time to get it done right the first time? It was a good thing to keep in mind over the course of a fifteen hour filming weekend. In the end, we got more done than I even dared to hope for. On Saturday alone, we filmed 90% of the third (and most daunting) episode of OVERDUE.

  Come Sunday, however, I was exhausted. After so much time off in the past two years, with only working at the library to keep me occupied, I never thought I'd be so grateful for a day off. Time to just sit around, take a bath, read and watch tv. But Sunday was that much needed break, and I loved it. It was especially satisfying because I knew we had done so much the day before, and I had therefore earned it. I ended up spending the entire day on the couch, watching The X-Files and editing the next few scripts. (I can't help it. I have to be a tiny bit productive every day.) I watched 10 episodes and prepared the scripts for the next few weeks. And even though that was literally all I did all day, I'm happy about it.

  Heading into yet another daunting filming weekend, I'm most certainly going to keep Sam's sage words of advice in mind. Just breathe and focus, Fran. There's always time to do it over, but never time to do it right.

  I realize this blog post has been more of a pep-talk to myself than anything else, but it's what I need right now. So I hope you don't mind.

  -Fran

A Balanced (& Busy) Bee

  I have been SO BUSY. Between filming my web series, reading, writing, watching The X-Files and of course hanging out with friends and enjoying the summer, I feel like I’ve barely been home at all this month. Which is kind of great but also kind of exhausting.

  Work: Filming the web series has been an exhausting but worthwhile experience. It has taken up every single evening and weekend I’ve had to spare, but I’m okay with it, because I think we’re going to have something really awesome in the end. In other creative news, I'm planning an art project with my friend Cole. I've never done a piece of art with someone else before, so I'm simultaneously excited and scared. I love painting and making art in general, but I haven't put brush to canvas in nearly 2 years. Other things (like writing and video-making) have taken up that time, so I'm excited to have motivation to get back into it again.

  Friends: This past weekend I went to the Finger Lakes Lavender Festival, which I also went to with friends last year. We picked fresh lavender, had some pretty photoshoots and pretended to be the members of Haim. (Or at least I did...) I got a sunburn due to my alabaster complexion, which I didn’t discover until I went to a pool party later. But hey, what’s summer without a few mistakes, right? On Sunday I went to brunch with my friends Kelsey, Sam, and Andrew, and from there we went to see Kelsey and Sam's brand-new roasting location for Peaks Coffee Company. It's a small space, but the perfect starter location. I'm just so proud of my best friend and all she's accomplished in the past year. We both had rocky starts to our first year post-high school, but we had each other. And now I'm happy to say that we're both on our way to doing what we want to do. We're getting there. Slowly but surely, we're getting there.

  R&R: Just today I learned that I could connect my computer to the tv and have dual screens. I’m currently watching an episode of The X-Files with my brother while I write this. I’ve also been reading a lot more. I’ve always said that if I’m not reading, consistently reading, I feel pretty sad and dead inside. So needless to say I feel pretty good right now. I’m currently reading House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski, a pretty huge undertaking, but I’m not doing it alone. I'm reading it with my friend Andrew, and we’ve been motivating each other to keep reading. The book is confusing and often terrifying, but having someone with whom I can discuss the insane plot has made things easier. I’ve never done a “buddy read” before, but I would definitely do it again, and I’m glad I decided to start with this book. Next, The X-Files. I’m not going to lie, I lost steam with it for a while there. Season 2 just got kind of boring and I had to stop for a while. But recently I picked it up again and realized that it’s everything I love. Conspiracy theories, spooky (unexplained) happenings, scary monsters, sexual tension, and aliens of course. I’m well into season 4, and am so glad I have nine seasons and 2 movies to distract me when I need some down time.

  Anyway, all of this is my long-winded way of saying that I'm happy, because I finally feel like I have this balance to my life. This balance of reading, writing, watching, working, and having fun that I've been so desperate for for a while now. Who knows, maybe I'll publish this post and all of that will fall apart, but for now it's really good. And so I just wanted to document the glorious existence of this mystical balance.

 -Fran

A Message to My Fellow Creators

  

   If you're working some dead end job that doesn't make you feel anything, get out of there. If you're just there for the money, and not a single aspect of it gives you joy, that's not a good situation. I think every job you work should inspire you in some way. Even if it's not what you plan on doing for the rest of your life, even if you're only there because you need a job, if it inspires you in some way, then it's not a waste of your time. People like to think of life as this all-out rat race. Do this to get here, work this job to get there. It's always do this, then that. But maybe life doesn't have to be that way. Maybe here can just be here. And maybe it'll inspire something that'll one day take you there, but I think if we look at everything in life as the next square on the board that'll take us to the next thing, that's not much of a life. 

  I started working at the library because I decided I wanted a job, and I thought I would like working in an environment full of books. And while I have struggled with it a lot, as I've struggled to find my identity outside of student-hood, I've decided recently that it was the best choice I could've made. Having a job made me feel secure, being around books made me feel safe and happy, and that lead to me having this idea for a web series, which has made me feel really excited and creatively fulfilled. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you can't see the long term in something that makes you happy in the day to day, don't worry about it. If it makes you happy, that means you're doing something right. And hopefully one day, it'll make sense. I know that sounds like soppy nonsense, but at the moment, I really believe it. I haven't had the easiest road, but I'm happy and excited right now, and I'm trying to decode how exactly this came to be. 

  -Fran 

My Brain Has Too Many Tabs Open

  This past weekend was a busy one. So busy that when I woke up on Monday morning, I had a brief moment of pure confusion in which I wasn't sure what day it was.

  On Saturday I uploaded my weekly vlog and then hit the grocery store to pick up some goods for a barbecue/pool/birthday party in honor of our friend Sam. (Shoutout to Samwise the Brave!) I grabbed some lemons, ice, and ice cream and headed over to my friend Kelsey’s house. And man, do they know how to throw a party. We had homemade lemonade, kebabs, and a coffee-rubbed pork loin on the grill (I know it sounds weird, but trust me) that were all out of this world. We swam, ate, made bad sumatra puns, and watched The Breakfast Club. Basically, it was my idea of the perfect Saturday night. 

  On Sunday I was up bright and early to get ready for another day of filming the web series. I got there early to get some shots for the web site, and to get everything set up. But before I knew it everyone had arrived and we got straight to work. We filmed a myriad of things, and were generally more productive than last week. (Our first week.) I think it just took some time for everyone to get used to each other, and for all of us to get into a good rhythm with each other. In any case, I was much more prepared this week, and definitely had a plan of attack. But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t room for spontaneity. I had a much needed Haim dance party when I couldn’t loosen up enough in front of the camera, and we had a spontaneous mini photo-shoot at the end that yielded some pretty awesome promotional pictures. 

  Essentially, it was a great weekend, and I came away from it feeling happy, but tired. Cut to Monday, where I was feeling worn down, but in a good way. Exhausted from doing too many fun things, and from being too productive and creatively energized. So after a three hour creative meeting, I shut down. I watched Hannibal, I read, I stayed off the Internet and instead watched Gilmore Girls with my sister. But today I am reaping the rewards of that shutdown. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, sometimes it’s just necessary to detox. Even when what you’re detoxing from is GOOD STUFF. Your body simply can’t take all action all the time. No matter what your FOMO tells you.

 -Fran

P.S.- If you want a sneak peak at my web series, head on over to this link: www.overdueseries.squarespace.com

Or click on that second photo to go straight to the Instagram. :)