Last Week #27 | Couraging

Okay, I don't know about you, but I often get this feeling. It's usually when something really cool is about to happen, and I'm excited for it, but then my anxiety chimes in and says "but what if it sucks though? What if the world ends because you decided to do this probably great but also maybe catastrophic thing? We should just not do it. Wouldn't want to risk it." 

I felt it before OVERDUE. It almost choked me, this feeling. This fear of not being good enough almost kept me from even trying. I felt it when I first started dating Eli. Not many people know this, but I almost broke up with him like the first week we were dating. I sort of tried to. I got really sad and was like "what if I’m mean to you?! I won't be good enough. Let's just not." And he was like, “Well no, you already are good enough and I don't even care if you're nice to me because I like you too much." (These are not his exact words. I don’t remember what he said. But this is the general idea.) And here we are. I am sometimes mean to him, I am sometimes not good enough to him. But we learn, and it's a wonderful, happy learning curve, so I’m grateful I didn't give up before it started.

I have that feeling again, now. Friday night I moved into my first apartment. This marks the first time I've ever left home. I'm a part time student, a full time employee, and I'm teaching a class as well. And now I've just moved out. (Or in, depending on your perspective.) At times, this all feels like too much. In fact, I'm almost positive this is all too much. But I'm doing it. And I'm trying to choke, gag,  fight and silence that asshole in my head telling me to give up already. 

On Wednesday, I taught the first in a four week children's film class at a local library. It was a little overwhelming, as anything involving ten year olds is, but as I listened to twelve ten year olds all try to tell me their thoughts at once, and one particular ten year old tell me, "I have too much up here to explain it all" and see him fluff his hair like a mad professor, I realized. These kids, this behavior this kid described, this is what the inside of my brain sometimes looks like. Sixteen screaming ten year olds all shrieking to be heard first, so you literally cannot focus on anyone or anything. 

My brain looks like this today, because Eli (and Kelsey's boyfriend Sam) just left this morning for a weeklong trip to Colombia. The freaking country. COLOMBIA. It's an incredible opportunity for them both, and for Peaks Coffee Company, and I would never want Eli not to have gone, but at the same time, it's freaking hard. It's hard because he's going to be however many miles away, in a place with limited wifi, for seven days straight. And I think I would be okay with that, if this wasn't also my first week living in my new place. In a completely new situation. I have to form new routines, patterns, etc, while balancing the old ones, all on my own. I tell him everything. Every stupid little problem that arises in my day, in my life, he helps me with. Even if he has no advice, he helps me with it all just by virtue of my being able to tell him about it. And I know I have other people. And I'll be okay. But it definitely, uh, sucks. 

Earlier last week, as I was nearly drowning in how overwhelmed I was, I stumbled upon this quote by Brene Brown, someone who I've been told to familiarize myself with a million times, and haven't until now. She said, "You get [courage] by courageous acts. It's like you learn to swim by swimming. You learn courage by couraging." I'm really hoping she's right. So I'm going to be courageous this week, and much like Harry Potter, hope the sorting hat was right when it put me into Gryffindor. 

-Fran

Brew Brightness

 On a rainy Monday morning in May, Soleil Cafe began brewing brightness. I don't feel like I'm old enough to know people who own businesses that are changing the economic face of my area, but I do, and it's an incredible feeling. Sitting in Soleil on Monday morning, I felt so appreciative of the fact that there are young people I know who are so passionate about spreading positivity and rising above negativity and hate. 

 I could go on a rant about how this generation of Millennials (or whatever you want any to call us) work so hard, stay true to our message at all costs, and get none of the credit for it. All I have to say is, we're not going anywhere. And Monday was proof of that. Quality, hard work, and heart will always win out over mass produced quantity. 

#brewbrightness #peakinggoodcoffee

 -Fran

This Week [#4: Coming Together]

 Though not technically the fourth week in this series, it's my fourth week of making this style of blog post. Sometimes the weeks get away from you, which is why I'm trying to make the effort to work on this each day of the week, which ensures the mindfulness I'm after.

 Monday: Treating yourself to a self-love day. Starting the day with a bath, writing some essays, and taking a long walk that takes you both to where you've been and where you are. It's a weird, metaphorical day.

 Tuesday: The day when you breathe a sigh of relief at all of the "FINALLY"'s coming your way. FINALLY finding the perfect Christmas presents for the people in your life who deserve it so much. FINALLY painting again, even if it's something small, after close to a year of not picking up a brush. FINALLY seeing the Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them trailer, after two years of eagerly anticipating the Eddie Redmayne led return to the Wizarding World you've loved your whole life. FINALLY working on that essay you said you'd start all day.  Finally, finally, finally.

 Wednesday: Tackling huge problems that feel like the end of the world, and realizing the people that validate and support you most aren't necessarily the people you'd expect.

 Thursday: Crushing it. Accomplishing all of the things you put off, then having a miniature Star Wars re-watch and deciding you love Han Solo (among others).

 Friday: To grandmother's house we go. Nearly freezing to death taking pictures by a lake you've loved your whole life, with someone who you've just begun to love. Realizing that it doesn't take much to make certain people happy, but what matters is that you choose to do it.

 Saturday: Finally feeling useful and watching your friends' business grow and thrive in front of your eyes. Then watching the person you love geek the hell out over Star Wars, and loving it because of how much you love him.

  Sunday: Having hard conversations, watching an iconic Diane Keaton movie, and correctly guessing the writer of said movie. (Nancy Meyers for the win.)

 It's fascinating to me how easily stressful things can become fun and beautiful when you're with the right people. I used to dread trips to see extended family. But Friday I had the best time I've ever had at my grandparent's house. Maybe it's that I've grown up, and maybe it's because of who I was with, and maybe it's both. Ordinarily, I would be horrified by a movie theater packed with overly excited nerds. Saturday, it wasn't at all scary. It was beautiful and fun and light and full of giddy happiness. This week I realized something I've suspected for a while: people are the difference.

 -Fran

Stress & Surprising Yourself

   I surprised myself this week. With everything that I've been through, all the ups and downs that life has thrown at me, I've been really careful with myself these past two years. Careful not to put too much on my plate or give myself more than I can handle. But I realized this week that I am more than capable, and I'm not as fragile as I used to be. I’m strong. 

 This week I: 

Spent my entire Monday with friends, cooking food and watching Wet Hot American Summer. 

Worked at the library, as per usual.

Babysat on Wednesday, which is usually my day off. (I will be doing this every Monday and Wednesday for the next month or so.)

Helped with some writing for Peaks Coffee Co.

Got my car inspected.

Made my birthday list. (At my mom's request)

Watched The X-Files with a friend.

Got a lot less sleep than usual.

 I don’t know why that all seems really significant to me, but for some reason it does. I mean, usually in any given week I’ll work, do a little writing, and then have nothing but spare time in between to overthink and overanalyze and generally be completely alone with my thoughts. For a long time I thought I needed that time. And I think I do, to some extent. But this week I proved to myself that I can get by without it, and I won’t become a total mess. I have this constant, nagging fear that one day I’ll slip up…and revert back to being the person I was in high school. A person that I hated. She was an anxiety machine, she was never happy, and she was never satisfied with herself. I don’t want to be that person ever again. So part of me probably thought that if I just didn’t do a lot, if I was never stressed, I wouldn’t become that again. But after this summer of stress and anxiety but also joy, I think it’s safe to say I’ve outgrown that person. I’m much more equipped to handle stress. It’s not the end of the world for me anymore. No longer does being stressed equal being unhappy. And if I do say so myself, that’s pretty significant. 

 -Fran

September

  

  So on Monday, September 7th, we had a Labor day waffle party. We made waffles, watched the fourth episode of Overdue, and talked about plans for Peaks Coffee Company. I feel like a broken record, but I’m so grateful right now. September isn't easy for me...to say the least. But this is the first time in two years that it’s September and I don’t wake up every day with an overwhelming sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. And for some reason that makes me really sad. Every day this weekend, I cried. I cried because I’m happy, and I know that sounds really lame to say, but it’s true. Fall used to be my favorite season, but with the things that have happened to me the past two years, I’ve started to love it less…and have come to dread it even. 

 But with so many cool projects to focus on and incredible people surrounding me, I've nearly forgotten what month it is. Between Peaks, Overdue, writing poetry and stories, making short films, and generally immersing myself in this group of people who are all so passionate about what they're doing, I hardly have time to remember that I'm supposed to be sad. And even though most would consider that really good news, for some reason I'm finding myself crying about it a lot. And although Inside Out taught us all that sometimes you have to be sad to be happy, it's getting a little annoying. I mean, one second I'm driving to Starbucks, and the next I'm sobbing over the musical stylings of Hozier in my car. But luckily, my friends have been understanding and supportive. So now I’m excited to love and look forward to fall again.

 -Fran

Peaks & Valleys

This Saturday I had the best time you could ever have in the frozen wasteland that is Central New York in March. My best friend Kelsey, who I’ve mentioned countless times on this blog, in my YouTube videos, and on Twitter and Instagram, has long harbored a dream of one day owning her own coffee shop. And after many, many months of working jobs that caused her pain, working hard to make the best product she could possibly create, and changing the title of that dream from coffee shop to coffee company, she’s finally there. Peaks Coffee Company is real! And I can honestly say that even if I wasn’t best friends with the owner, I would love this company. I mean, just look at what's written on the back of their bags! 

   "From bean to cup our coffee is roasted fresh with care, cupped for quality, and packaged to order. This life is full of peaks and valleys. So as humble friends we offer our hands to you. This coffee is our guarantee that we will be there to serve you a freshly roasted cup both at your peaks and in your valleys. Stay humble, stay hopeful.  -Peaks Coffee Company"

I’m honestly so honored to be a small part of this momentous achievement of hers. A little backstory on Kelsey and I: although we started off mere acquaintances in 7th grade, when it comes down to it, we’ve been there for each other at our greatest peaks and valleys. In our senior year of high school, when she was experiencing her first major valley, I did everything in my power to be there for her. And in the fall of 2013, when I experienced the greatest and most terrifying valley of my life, she was more than there for me. She got me through it. So to be able to be here with her, at this incredible Peak of hers, is truly an honor. 

Over the past few months, I’ve watched her work harder at this than anything I’ve ever seen in my life. Countless weekends standing in the freezing cold, roasting coffee beans on her back porch with her honest-to-God-saint-of-a-boyfriend Sam. Days and weeks and months spent calculating, charting, and "cupping" her authentic roasts. Hours and hours spent writing, designing, and researching the “aesthetic" and look of her brand. And this weekend, it all paid off. On Saturday, she and the rest of us Peaks volunteers had our first gig at a local antique store called the Heckled Hen. We started off in the parking lot, attempting to brew coffee in the 16 degree weather. That didn’t last long, however, and we soon found ourselves packed in to the antique store itself, in a very precarious corner of the store filled with fragile glassware and teacups. (How fitting, right?) But with only a little table and a single Chemex to brew with, Kelsey and Sam made coffee magic happen. Sam commanded that tiny corner, and with it a small army of eager listeners, as people young and old came through to check out the Heckled Hen’s open house. We did better than we had anticipated, as we came in with about 25 lbs of coffee and left with a mere 6.

Despite the fact that the event had it’s ups and downs, it’s peaks and valleys if you will, I personally felt that it was the most perfect Saturday from start to finish. Earlier that morning, the Peaks crew got together at Dave’s Diner, a little place just across the street from the Heckled Hen, to do what we do best-- eat breakfast food and talk coffee. And even though we had to meet at 8 am (!!!!) it was delightful. The waffles were great and the conversation was even better, which is really all I could ever ask for. 

In the past year and a half, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and about life. I feel like I've changed so much in the past few months even. But, God, am I ever thankful for it. I’ve learned that we’re not all going to be as hugely successful as we think we will be. But we do have lasting effects on the people around us, and that’s not nothing. I’ve learned that it is more than okay to not be happy all the time. I’ve learned that I deserve love, I deserve to be treated like I matter, and I shouldn’t let people in my life who don’t treat me thusly. But more than that, I've learned that I have to believe it for myself first, and demand to be treated the way I deserve.

I’m experiencing some peaks and valleys of my own right now, but it’s okay, because I have good people in my life. Like Kelsey. And Sam. And even though I spent the rest of the weekend feeling exhausted and scared and altogether unwilling to leave my bed, I’m still happy. I’m happy because I got to spend my Saturday morning with friends new and old, drinking hot beverages, eating diner food, and working on making my closest compadre's dreams come true. I'm happy because I can see that we're all starting to become the people we were meant to be, and I feel privileged to bear witness to it. Because it’s really a beautiful thing to witness.

 -Fran 

P.S.~ You can find Peaks Coffee Company on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram right now, and a website will be coming soon. :)