Last Week #20 | I Got Lost in the Woods and All I Got Were These Lame Cliches

Disclaimer: This blog post is about to be really really real. 

On Monday of this past week, I had my first day at a brand new job. Granted, it's just a different library job (it's not like I changed careers) but it was one hell of an adjustment nonetheless. I'm not going to sugar coat it. On days one and two, I was overwhelmed as hell. To put it in culturally relevant terms, I felt like Eilis at the beginning of Brooklyn. I walked out the doors at the end of my shifts the first two days, sat down in my car and promptly burst into tears, soaking Eli through with my worries and fears and doubts. 

This library is simply different. The vibe is different, and the job I'm working is just MORE. It's a definite step up in terms of hours and workload. There's a much more serious tone. Which is absolutely fine, professionalism is great, but at 20 and 7/8ths years old, it's a little overwhelming. I'm used to wearing whatever I want and not having to worry about what will happen if I get a tattoo one day. I'm used to making jokes and showing off what I like to call my "trash youth interior" while also still being professional and doing my job. So the first two days, when I was getting oriented and didn't really get to talk to anyone, I was drowning. And I find that really interesting, because I always thought I didn't like people. But on day 4, when I got to do more of what I'll be doing every day-- sitting behind the desk and interacting with patrons, I was happy. Which was mind blowing to me. I like people?! I thought. My whole life is a lie! 

Another challenging aspect of this week was filming. As you may know, I'm working on my second short film of the summer (but my 4th overall project). Once again, we had limited time to get it done-- basically Friday was all we had. So we ventured back out into the woods at around 6 pm, with storm clouds looming ominously over our heads. We got the shots, we got the shots, we had fun, blah blah blah. It started to get dark, and we still had a few shots left and increasingly limited time, so we powered through. But then, in the wake of the excitement of getting the shot, reality settled back over us-- in the forms of darkness, fog, and thunder. 

I won't say we got lost, because that would be an insult to Eli's navigating skills. But we did get a little... disoriented and eventually realized that instead of taking the long way back (which would lead us to the water bottles and other supplies we had left behind while the daylight still lingered), it was smarter to take a shortcut, because our ever-anxious director was freaking out a little bit. This turned out to be a very muddy, mucky, messy and sharp shortcut. I hated it. But afterwards, lying in the safety of my bed in borrowed sweatpants while my white shorts that I stupidly wore soaked in a bucket in the bathroom, I looked over the shots I got and I realized two significant things. 

1. It was worth it. Even though I knew that behind the shots where the camera movement was glorious were the oozing scratches on my legs now covered in Neosporin, they were so worth the blood, sweat, and tears.
2. And 2, and this relates to my post last week, I really love filmmaking. Because even though it is sometimes a perfect recipe for stress, anxiety, and occasional pain, everything else pales in comparison.

So I guess if I were to try to connect these two topics somehow, I'd say this. When I was hemming and hawing over whether or not to even apply for this new job, my brilliant and wise mentor Yvonne said something that stuck with me. She said, "There's really no such thing as wrong choice.  It's all just experience and whether it's awesome or not so awesome, we learn what we need to learn and adjust and go forward and look forward to the next things. Enjoy the in between-ness, if you can." When I was lost in the woods, I thought I had made the worst choice in the world. On day 1, I questioned whether I had made a mistake. But sitting here, on the morning of day 5, I'm realizing that she's right. It's all just experience. And for better or worse, we're going to get lost in the muddy woods sometimes, but hopefully in the end we can sit on our beds and realize it was worth it. 

That was so cliche, I think I need to take another shower. 

-Fran

Last Week #5

Last week, I worked. (alt: werked)

I finished books, filmed reviews, edited and uploaded those reviews. I got up early and stayed up late.

I forced myself to work out. I did yoga. I meditated.

I kept myself calm even when my insides were screaming at me to run, to react, to get incredibly angry and frustrated when nothing was even wrong.

I asserted myself, and I didn't give up, even when I was really really freaking tired and just wanted to stay in bed watching Game of Thrones. I went to the writing group, and then I went one step further. I shared my work. On a whim, unprepared, scared out of my mind.

Finally, I surprised myself. More than just getting everything "done," I challenged myself. I said yes. When asked to share my work. When asked to go to a party. When I was faced with the choice to sit down and do nothing or get up and do more, I said yes, and I did more. I made it work.

I'm exhausted from last week. But I'm proud of it. Because I took the chances that needed to be taken, and said no to the ones that didn't.

 -Fran

This Week [#1: This Life]

 Since I've been doing NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month in the month of November-- in which brave writers across the world attempt to write a 50,000 word novel in a month), and have been daily vlogging the experience, I haven't been doing my Weekly Vlogs on my YouTube channel. And while I know I will get back to doing them in December, I miss the experience. I miss the routine of capturing the little, beautiful, happy moments throughout my week, and choosing how to put them together at the end of the week. I miss telling stories with those few images. So in an attempt to continue to do this during NaNoWriMo, I've been taking snapshots everyday. Just quick pictures of what my day consisted of, in lieu of taking footage every day.

 Mondays are for binge-watching whole seasons of awesome, inspiring TV shows on your boyfriend's Netflix.

 Tuesdays are for falling asleep in your bed at 4:30 watching How To Get Away With Murder because it was rainy and windy and your lights and the Medicare commercials lulled you to sleep.

 Wednesdays are for getting up too early, accomplishing nothing, and then giving up at 2:30 pm and taking a Lush bath.

 Thursdays are for accomplishing all of the things you didn't do Wednesday, like writing 1,000 words in your favorite coffee shop, listening to music, Pinterest-ing and eating too much chocolate.

 Fridays are for running about like a crazy person, scrambling to get web series minisodes ready for upload, and cupping coffees that taste like teas.

 Saturdays are for stressful but ultimately lovely meetings of parents, and impromptu road trips to middle of nowhere places, where all there is is a sign and a general feeling.

Finally, Sunday is the day on which you feel the luckiest-- where you get to spend the day taking photos in the woods for your best friend's coffee shop, then eating Sunday dinner with those same friends and watching The Walking Dead with them. Sunday is the day to spend with family. And this week, I got to do that.

I hope you guys enjoyed this collective look at my week. It was really fun and grounding to make this blog post, as it forced me to keep track of the moments that would otherwise slip away from me. As we get closer to the holiday season, it is so easy to fall into that mindset of "just getting things done." But when we do that, we get to the end of the week and can't see anything but the productivity (or lack thereof). The beautiful, lovely, fun moments get lost in the shuffle, and we forget them. We forget to be grateful for them. I don't want to forget them. I want to stay present, mindful, and grateful for the life I get to live. And I think this blog post format is a way for me to do that. So what I guess I'm saying is-- get used to this. Because I'm going to be doing it every week from now on.

 -Fran

This Time Next Year

 So this time last year, I was discontented with my life. And on the last day of my family vacation, I made  this list of what I wanted to be doing, and what I wanted my life to be. 

Here's what I wanted:

1. To be writing constantly

2. To have a mentor/someone to guide me

3. To be making things that I wanted to make (large scale projects)

4. To have a group of creative friends who were passionate about the same things as I

5. To be getting a degree? 

6. To have my friends all be happy as well

 And just yesterday I realized something: I have everything I wanted on that list and MORE:

1. I'm writing constantly: whether that's for this blog, for OVERDUE, for Peaks, for my novels, or for other projects.

2. I finally got that mentor-- literally. When I enrolled in Empire State College, I got paired with a "mentor" who is essentially a guidance counselor, educator, best friend, and creative champion all in one. It's only been a month, but she's already guided me through so many unknowns, that I know this was a good decision.

3. I'm making things constantly.

4. I've found that group of people, and I love them more than anything. They can intelligently dissect movies for hours but at the drop of a hat burst out in a Macklemore dance party. 

5. I just found out yesterday that I am well on my way to getting a degree. The degree I had accepted was probably never going to happen. 

6. Yesterday I sat in my best friend's coffee shop and drank hot chocolate in a room entirely lit by fairy lights. I think it's safe to say #6 is nearly there. 

 Realizing all of these things reminded me of a Raymond Carver quote I was pretty obsessed with last year. “Nights without beginning that had no end. Talking about a past as if it'd really happened. Telling themselves that this time next year, this time next year, things were going to be different.” I didn't believe that quote when I read it last year. But now I see the undeniable truth in it. And I'm only wondering how I could possibly visualize anything better than what I have now. But I have an active imagination. I'm sure I'll think of something.

 -Fran

A Message to My Fellow Creators

  

   If you're working some dead end job that doesn't make you feel anything, get out of there. If you're just there for the money, and not a single aspect of it gives you joy, that's not a good situation. I think every job you work should inspire you in some way. Even if it's not what you plan on doing for the rest of your life, even if you're only there because you need a job, if it inspires you in some way, then it's not a waste of your time. People like to think of life as this all-out rat race. Do this to get here, work this job to get there. It's always do this, then that. But maybe life doesn't have to be that way. Maybe here can just be here. And maybe it'll inspire something that'll one day take you there, but I think if we look at everything in life as the next square on the board that'll take us to the next thing, that's not much of a life. 

  I started working at the library because I decided I wanted a job, and I thought I would like working in an environment full of books. And while I have struggled with it a lot, as I've struggled to find my identity outside of student-hood, I've decided recently that it was the best choice I could've made. Having a job made me feel secure, being around books made me feel safe and happy, and that lead to me having this idea for a web series, which has made me feel really excited and creatively fulfilled. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you can't see the long term in something that makes you happy in the day to day, don't worry about it. If it makes you happy, that means you're doing something right. And hopefully one day, it'll make sense. I know that sounds like soppy nonsense, but at the moment, I really believe it. I haven't had the easiest road, but I'm happy and excited right now, and I'm trying to decode how exactly this came to be. 

  -Fran 

On Writing & Self-Doubt

  

 I am so scared right now. Like, really, really scared. I’m tackling quite a few huge creative projects at the moment, and I feel like running for the nearest exit, because they are all extremely intimidating. As some of you may know, I’ve been working on a novel since November of 2014. I've experienced some ups and downs with this draft, but in recent months I’ve gotten back on track with it. It’s pretty close to being finished, (the first draft, anyway) and that absolutely terrifies me. I don’t want to be done with these characters and their stories and their voices and their lives. Because whenever I can’t think of what I should do next, I just think up a new scenario for Margaux. (My main character.) And for a moment, that makes everything better. So I’m afraid to be done with it because that’ll mean I’ll have to move onto Step 2. Editing. Sending it off to publishers. Querying. The part that I’ve never been very good at. And while the writing groups I’ve joined in the past few months have been helping me with this, as well as helping me build confidence, I still don’t feel 100% okay with it all. There are still days when I think: Is this even worth it? Is anything I write even good at all?

   The other thing I’m working on is a web series. I have been hesitant to tell you about it, partly because it wasn’t a feasible reality until two weeks ago, partly because I was afraid, and partly to build suspense/hype. But now it’s happening, and I’m going to start filming this summer, and I want to tell you about it. I’m not going to give many details, (for that suspense reason I mentioned before) but all you need to know is that it’s a web series and I’m super excited about it. But I’m also really scared, for a variety of reasons. A web series isn’t like a novel. People are going to see it a lot sooner than they’re ever going to read my novel. They’re going to see my writing in action, my directorial skills, my acting. And that scares the life out of me. Because I think: What if it’s complete shit? What if I waste everyone’s time, including my own? What if this isn’t what I should be doing, and this proves it? What if I'm not actually a writer? What if what if what if?

   Sometimes I become petrified that nothing will ever come of this. That I'll work myself to the bone week in and week out...for nothing. That I won’t become a best-selling author, (or even a selling author) no one will ever read what I write, and I’ll end up working at the library for the rest of my life. And while I know that wouldn’t be a bad life, it’s not the life I want. I want to tell stories, because that’s really all we have. In my opinion, stories are the only things that are worth anything in this world. So it scares me that there's a chance I might not be very good at the one thing that means anything to me. What would I even do otherwise? But then I think, No. There’s this quote I have posted above my desk that reads,

   "The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling." -Fabienne Fredrickson

   And I think that’s true. I have to believe that the things we are passionate about, the things that get us out of bed in the morning, are the things that we are meant to be doing. Even if my worst fears are true, and I’m not as good as I’d like to be, I have to believe that if it’s truly my calling, I will do anything in my power to get better.

  In other news, last week I wrote a piece on why it's okay to be alone and submitted it to Local Wolves (an awesome online lit mag) for their upcoming #TeamSolitude issue. And just yesterday I got an email saying that it's going to be published. So I'm taking this as a sign that I'm on the right track. I just felt the need to be completely honest with you guys, because I think we all feel this way sometimes, and there's no use trying to hide it. I'm scared right now, sure. But I'm also excited. Here's one last quote that's making me feel better right now.

 "A good goal should scare you a little and excite you a lot." -Chris Soriano

And they do, so I guess I'm okay.

 -Fran

Milestones

 


   Above are some snapshots I took last night, before my final writing class began. The downtown writer's center where I have been taking classes has a really beautiful waiting room, equipped with comfy chairs and lined with bookshelves full of not just books, but literature. Every week I found myself noticing a new title, but it wasn't until last night that I noticed this one. I know they say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but just LOOK AT IT. It's beautiful! Anyway, now to the real point of this blog post.

  I look for signs everywhere. Signs that I’m doing the right thing, signs that I’m not, signs that this is the path I should take over that one. Sometimes, they’re obvious. A beautiful, brightly colored leaf lying on the floor by my seat, where I had been sitting with a friend debating making the trip to Rochester. That was my sign that I should figure out a way to go. But sometimes they’re more subtle than that. For instance, I didn’t really get a clear sign that I should sign up for this writing class downtown. But once I did, I had this amazing, overwhelming feeling that I had chosen right.

  When I arrived on the first night of the 8 week fiction writing course back in January, I didn’t really know what to expect. I am much more sure of myself as a writer than I am as a human being. In group environments, I’m pretty quiet at first, until I figure out the vibe of the group, and then I let my true nature shine through. I knew that we’d be doing fiction writing exercises, and that there would be some critique, but that was about it. What I loved about this class was how it pushed me to look at my story differently. Every time we did an exercise, I came away from it having learned something new about my character, my story, or myself as a writer. Each exercise challenged me, and helped me in some way. 

  So when that class ended and it came time to sign up for the next class, fittingly titled Novel Boot Camp, I did what most people would do. I waited until the last minute. Then, after I learned that the friends I had made during the coarse of the first class were also taking it, signed up at the last possible second and caused myself a ton of anxiety about changing my work schedule. 

  But honestly, all that anxiety was worth it. Last night was the last class of this session, and probably my last class for a while, and I’m so glad that I did it. First and foremost, it got me working on my story again. And not only working on it, but working on it and thinking about it critically. For once, it felt like all my hard work and hours spent writing paid off, because at the end of each week people actually read what I wrote, and had things to say about it. So that was thrilling, terrifying, and rewarding all at once. And you know what? It made me more confident. Every week people would tell me that I have a strong voice, that they love my characters, that this or that is extremely relatable. Someone even wrote, “Your writing style strikes a nice balance between entertaining and thought provoking.” I mean, what more can a girl ask for? But they also pushed me to be better. When something wasn’t working, they didn’t just tear me down. They gave suggestions as to how I could make it really fantastic, which was so helpful and instrumental. 

  So that brings me to the second aspect of this class that I loved: the people. I’ve always wanted to be in a writing group, a book club, or some place where I could have intellectual discussions and really pick apart a piece of writing. And I know some of you may be thinking, "But Fran! School has exactly that! You should go to college!" And while you may be a tiny bit right, because I did love the English course I took in my senior year of high school, I would argue that college really isn’t the best forum for this. So many people are just there for the credit. In and out. No one, not even me, wants to linger in the classroom any longer than they have to. But this little 8 week course was such a great alternative to that, because we all wanted to be there. There was no homework, just the desire to help each other make our work better. And that really showed through. The passion that sometimes erupted in the room when we all got fired up about a certain passage or idea— that’s what I’m after. At the end of these 8 weeks, I really feel like I got to know these people through their work. And I've come to like them. I think they feel the same way as well, because we’re organizing our own little outside get-togethers between now and when the next class starts. That makes me so happy, because this is something I’ve always wanted. I’ve always longed to be a part of a group that really cares about writing. Now that I finally am, I wouldn’t trade it for any degree program out there.

  This class also marks a momentous milestone for me. A year ago, I had no desire to write, no desire to be in the classroom, no desire to interact socially, and no desire to drive. A year ago, there was no way I would have driven myself downtown every week, parked my car on the sketchy streets, and gone into a room full of adults and shared my writing. But now look at me. I did exactly that! For 8 whole weeks, I did that! Through panic attacks and not feeling well; through not being able to find parking and being afraid of people on the streets. Even when my mom said, "It's okay for you to come home," I did it. I faced my fears, and I’m so proud of myself for that right now. I know that my path is different. I’m not your typical 19 year old, (and not in that cliche YA novel protagonist way) but that’s okay. Because I’m figuring it out, one tiny baby step at a time. 

I hope you all have an awesome weekend,

 -Fran

This Blog Shall Be Neglected No More!

One thing you should know about me: my fatal flaw is that I always take on too much. It didn’t work when I was in high school and trying to: maintain a 95 average, write a novel, be the president of clubs, read a book a week, and watch 80 different tv shows per week. And, oddly enough, it still doesn't work now.

This past month, I was surprised when I couldn't manage to: write a novel, write regular web content, write a college essay, maintain this blog, and vlog daily. Who knew I can't actually do 500 things at once?! Huh. That was news to me!

But now that April and daily vlogging are both over, I’m back. I’ll be able to tell you about my weird little life again. And it’s gotten even weirder in this last month. So this is just my quick little way of saying— I’ll have some cool things coming your way in the near future. So keep an eye out for that. :) 

Happy Avengers Opening Weekend! 

I’ll be going to see it tomorrow with my friends and sister. I am neither emotionally nor mentally prepared for what I’m sure it’s going to do to me. 

Avengers Assemble!

 -Fran