Last Week #20 | I Got Lost in the Woods and All I Got Were These Lame Cliches

Disclaimer: This blog post is about to be really really real. 

On Monday of this past week, I had my first day at a brand new job. Granted, it's just a different library job (it's not like I changed careers) but it was one hell of an adjustment nonetheless. I'm not going to sugar coat it. On days one and two, I was overwhelmed as hell. To put it in culturally relevant terms, I felt like Eilis at the beginning of Brooklyn. I walked out the doors at the end of my shifts the first two days, sat down in my car and promptly burst into tears, soaking Eli through with my worries and fears and doubts. 

This library is simply different. The vibe is different, and the job I'm working is just MORE. It's a definite step up in terms of hours and workload. There's a much more serious tone. Which is absolutely fine, professionalism is great, but at 20 and 7/8ths years old, it's a little overwhelming. I'm used to wearing whatever I want and not having to worry about what will happen if I get a tattoo one day. I'm used to making jokes and showing off what I like to call my "trash youth interior" while also still being professional and doing my job. So the first two days, when I was getting oriented and didn't really get to talk to anyone, I was drowning. And I find that really interesting, because I always thought I didn't like people. But on day 4, when I got to do more of what I'll be doing every day-- sitting behind the desk and interacting with patrons, I was happy. Which was mind blowing to me. I like people?! I thought. My whole life is a lie! 

Another challenging aspect of this week was filming. As you may know, I'm working on my second short film of the summer (but my 4th overall project). Once again, we had limited time to get it done-- basically Friday was all we had. So we ventured back out into the woods at around 6 pm, with storm clouds looming ominously over our heads. We got the shots, we got the shots, we had fun, blah blah blah. It started to get dark, and we still had a few shots left and increasingly limited time, so we powered through. But then, in the wake of the excitement of getting the shot, reality settled back over us-- in the forms of darkness, fog, and thunder. 

I won't say we got lost, because that would be an insult to Eli's navigating skills. But we did get a little... disoriented and eventually realized that instead of taking the long way back (which would lead us to the water bottles and other supplies we had left behind while the daylight still lingered), it was smarter to take a shortcut, because our ever-anxious director was freaking out a little bit. This turned out to be a very muddy, mucky, messy and sharp shortcut. I hated it. But afterwards, lying in the safety of my bed in borrowed sweatpants while my white shorts that I stupidly wore soaked in a bucket in the bathroom, I looked over the shots I got and I realized two significant things. 

1. It was worth it. Even though I knew that behind the shots where the camera movement was glorious were the oozing scratches on my legs now covered in Neosporin, they were so worth the blood, sweat, and tears.
2. And 2, and this relates to my post last week, I really love filmmaking. Because even though it is sometimes a perfect recipe for stress, anxiety, and occasional pain, everything else pales in comparison.

So I guess if I were to try to connect these two topics somehow, I'd say this. When I was hemming and hawing over whether or not to even apply for this new job, my brilliant and wise mentor Yvonne said something that stuck with me. She said, "There's really no such thing as wrong choice.  It's all just experience and whether it's awesome or not so awesome, we learn what we need to learn and adjust and go forward and look forward to the next things. Enjoy the in between-ness, if you can." When I was lost in the woods, I thought I had made the worst choice in the world. On day 1, I questioned whether I had made a mistake. But sitting here, on the morning of day 5, I'm realizing that she's right. It's all just experience. And for better or worse, we're going to get lost in the muddy woods sometimes, but hopefully in the end we can sit on our beds and realize it was worth it. 

That was so cliche, I think I need to take another shower. 

-Fran

Swiss Army Man: A Giant Middle Finger to the Indie Movie Industry

 Last week, I saw the buzzed about and completely unprecedented Swiss Army Man, a film starring Paul Dano and Daniel Radcliffe, by the directing duo known as The Daniels. (Which consists of Dan Kwan and Daniel Scheinert.) If you haven't heard about this movie already, it caused quite a stir at its Sundance premier this winter, when a few critics actually walked out of the theater. To understand why, I guess I should tell you the premise. Swiss Army Man is about a young man (Paul Dano) who is trapped on a deserted island and is quite literally at the end of his rope (he is about to commit suicide) when a waterlogged corpse named Manny (Daniel Radcliffe) washes up on shore, and begins farting. If you can believe it, the film only gets weirder, cruder, and crazier from there. 

 The whole time, you’re just kind of sitting there thinking: what the hell does this mean? But by the end, almost reluctantly, you realize: It means nothing. And that’s the point. In my opinion, this film is a giant (admittedly playful) “F*** YOU” to the indie movie genre as a whole. In fact, if you compare it to the other hit indie movies of late, (for instance, Colin Farrel's The Lobster), it is absolutely a satire of it. This genre is known for doing weird things but making it mean something. I’m talking about Her, The Lobster, etc. Weird premises are the norm in this realm, but this one takes the cake. This movie does a lot of weird things, but in the end all of that means nothing. And by meaning nothing, it means something. The meaninglessness of this film, and audience's collective outrage in reaction to it, speaks to our need for every film to have greater meaning, rather than just being an enjoyable ride. 

 Everything has to be cultural commentary nowadays, and even though I personally find that great, it was definitely refreshing to watch a film that was strange and traumatic and crude, and just know that that’s all it was. It was like the 21 Jump Street of indie movies. Weird, hilarious, refreshing, entertaining, and you didn’t have to think too hard about it. Usually at the end of indie movies you’re sitting there with your hypercritical hipster glasses on, drinking your specialty coffee and talking about how ironically great it was. But at the end of this movie, a guy in our theater (which was nearly empty…I counted 7 people, including myself and my boyfriend), burst out laughing and said, “HOLY SH*T.” And that’s it. Swiss Army Man is a "holy sh*t" kind of movie. It makes absolutely no sense, it’s disgusting, it’s hilarious, it’s a little bit weirdly heartfelt, and more than a little bit creepy. And that’s really all you can possibly hope for from Daniel Radcliffe’s most recent foray into this cinematic genre.

All in all, if you're looking for a darkly funny movie that is beautifully shot and features more fart jokes than your uncle at a family gathering, go see Swiss Army Man.

 -Fran

Last Week #13 | Roots & Branches

This weekend, I spent three days in the Adirondacks at the Great Camp Sagamore Roots & Branches Music Workshop. (You can learn more about it here.) I’ve never been more nervous than I was the night before and day of our departure. My boyfriend Eli was to spend the weekend at the camp, learning and doing music things, while I was tasked with documenting the weekend and making a video at the end of it. I think it’s safe to say we were both a little terrified. Him, because he wasn’t (and hasn’t been) sure of how he feels about music lately. I in turn felt bad for forcing him into it, and I felt nervous because of the endless marquee of what ifs scrolling through my mind. What if people think I’m weird for lurking around with a camera? What if people think we’re that weird couple that are too attached and can't ever spend a moment apart?  What if I have a panic attack? What if I don’t make them a great, or even good, video? What if I feel uncomfortable? 

 I’ve been on three very different types of trips over the past month. The first was Philadelphia, where four of us were constantly together, doing activities that we chose, facing the days full of bright sunlight and the city and loud, boisterous, college-like activity. The second was the lake with my sister. This is practically the same thing as being at home, except the two of us had to learn how to live in harmony without our electronic devices (and significant other) as a buffer. The challenges were small, and the trip was serene. The last was this trip to the Adirondacks. I think it falls somewhere between Philadelphia and the lake on my scale of anxiety. It wasn’t as action packed as Philly, or as serene as the lake (as no place but home ever can be). There was a serenity to it, sure, and a peace that came with being with Eli, but we also had our fair share of challenges. 

The lack of wifi, as well as the complete lack of cell reception posed a threat to my peace of mind. I can’t communicate with the outside world. I posted a blog post on Friday and I can’t check up on it until Sunday. I can’t soothe myself by looking at Instagram when I feel bored or awkward in a social situation. I had to just stick it out. Eli didn’t like the lack of Wi-Fi, but I’m not going to lie, after a while I kind of came to enjoy it. There was something about it that was a challenge to me. It was about the two of us learning to communicate effectively without texting. Learning to communicate our thoughts, feelings and ideas in the moments we had together, and feeling safe in the moments we spent apart. This is something we struggle with at home, as his house has limited Wi-Fi and no cell reception, and I often find myself anxious when I’m apart from him for this very reason. But the challenges of this weekend made me (and I hope us) more secure in that lack of contact, and more secure in being apart. 

 When I first drafted this post, I wrote, "The biggest wow factor for me on this trip was not being anxious WOW." That was true at first, but by the second night it was not. Anxiety had mounted to something of a peak, and Eli went to bed early, in my mind abandoning me with a world of my own. I felt almost unsafe without him awake, alert, and by my side. This is the part where I would usually insert the lesson-- about how I ventured out on my own at 11:30 at night with just my camera and a vague idea of where the stars were. How I hastily and uncertainly walked to the upper camp, where I had been told you could see the constellations more brightly and clearly than anywhere else in the country. How I looked up, and was amazed, and took a photo, and felt at ease. All that was true, for a moment. And then I went back to the lodge and the anxiety crept back up again, the worries biting me again and again much like the black flies that plagued us outside. 

 I'm the kind of person who really likes...no, needs a home base. In every new place I visit I construct one out of the available materials, like a bird building a nest. I usually build them for myself, and it's a one person nest. In moments of anxiety it includes ginger ale, crackers, and something to do- whether that's working on editing a video or watching some silly YouTube videos. But out there, in the wilderness, in the vulnerability of being in the wild and knowing that you are really minuscule and the world is really big and the sky is even bigger, I learned that my definition of a home base has changed. 

 My home base is now a person, not a place or a construct or a collection of things. And that idea scares me, because what if he goes away? What if he leaves permanently? Will my heart race forever, without this sort of human drug that slows it, calms it down? Have I lost the ability to self regulate? Or have I gained the ability to ask for help? 

 The last time I was in the Adirondack mountains, I was spending the night at my best friend's camp. We watched The Lord of the Rings and kayaked out to a little island and talked about our dreams. But at 1 am, my heart wouldn't slow and my hands wouldn't stop shaking and I worked myself into a frenzy that only calling my mom put at ease. I didn't wake Kelsey up, and didn't even tell her about it until the next morning. But this time, I asked for help. I woke Eli up and he immediately shook off his frustration and put me at ease just by being. Vulnerability is absolutely terrifying. It is what made me shake with nervous excitement all the time when Eli and I first started dating. But it is also what permitted me to fall asleep that second night, and I am beginning to realize that it is what enables us to grow as well. 

 In the hours and hours of musical performances that I watched this weekend, I noticed something. The musicians didn't rush to speak after the music ended. They reveled in the natural silences, those charged, vulnerable, emotional silences, and didn't hasten to fill them. This made the silences that much more comfortable. They were electric, but somehow peaceful, and never awkward. I'm trying to learn how to revel in what some would call "awkward" silences. Because while they feel like an eternity, they're really only a few beats of your heart, and the music is moments away from picking up again. 

 -Fran

P.S.- If you're interested in seeing my video for the Roots & Branches Music Workshop, stay tuned to my YouTube channel. It should be up by the end of this week. In the meantime, check out this short teaser clip I posted on the Great Camp Sagamore Facebook page.

Change.

   I'm feeling this effervescent joy and excitement right now. I love these people. I feel so high when I'm with them. And I can't wait for you all to see the project we made together.

 But it makes me so scared because people leave and things change and nothing is ever as it was before. That's the one thing that always stays the same. Change. It's hard for me to do real life sometimes because I often confuse excitement with anxiety. So I think things are bad when really they're pretty great. That's how I felt this summer. Except for once I knew I had a good thing and it was cool, but now it's over and I'm sad.

 I know this isn't your typical blog post, full of optimism and excitement and facts and intelligence. It's just feelings and me being too pretentious for my own good. But sometimes I have those and feel the urge to share them with you.

 -Fran

A Weekend At The Lake Keeps The Doctor Away

  So for the past two months, I’ve spent practically all my time at work. Well, my place of work. Not only do I typically work at the library Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I have also been picking up shifts as my co-workers have taken their summer vacations. But then I've spent every OTHER spare moment I've had at the library as well. For filming. Monday and Wednesday nights, when I don't usually work, we've been there filming. Friday nights, Saturdays, and Sundays, we've been there filming. 

  And even though this was very much of my own free will, and most of the time it has been SO MUCH fun, I was still more than eager to get away this past weekend. We went to my family’s lake house in the Finger Lakes, and I was so ready to completely disconnect. With no internet, no wi-fi, and barely any service to speak of, this was an opportunity to get back in touch with myself. To get in touch with nature. To reconnect with my family. To just be. And boy was that… uh, Overdue. (Excuse the pun. I am trash.) 

  After so many weeks in a row being consumed by schedules, scripts, and yes, anxiety, it was an extremely foreign yet delightful feeling to lay my head down on the pillow Friday night and realize I had nothing to do, think of, or worry about for the rest of the weekend. It was a much appreciated feeling. On Saturday I refused to get dressed aside from putting on a pair of "shorteralls" over my bathing suit. I swam in the lake, read on the dock, ate too much ice cream and watched Parks & Recreation in my back bedroom with the windows open and the fan on high. We played cards, roasted marshmallows over the fire, and I didn't shower for three days. Basically, it was a wonderful and much needed escape.

  I returned home on Sunday night feeling mildly refreshed but like I could have gladly stayed a few days longer. You can find my lake vlog here! They were my favorite videos to make last summer, and I had so much fun taking footage and putting it together this time around as well. Going into this new week, I'm excited to finally film the final episode of OVERDUE before I depart for my real vacation next week. This mini-vacation was just a taste of the relaxation I'll get to experience next week. And while I can't wait, I know I have some work to do before then.

So here's to getting shit done!

 -Fran

A Balanced (& Busy) Bee

  I have been SO BUSY. Between filming my web series, reading, writing, watching The X-Files and of course hanging out with friends and enjoying the summer, I feel like I’ve barely been home at all this month. Which is kind of great but also kind of exhausting.

  Work: Filming the web series has been an exhausting but worthwhile experience. It has taken up every single evening and weekend I’ve had to spare, but I’m okay with it, because I think we’re going to have something really awesome in the end. In other creative news, I'm planning an art project with my friend Cole. I've never done a piece of art with someone else before, so I'm simultaneously excited and scared. I love painting and making art in general, but I haven't put brush to canvas in nearly 2 years. Other things (like writing and video-making) have taken up that time, so I'm excited to have motivation to get back into it again.

  Friends: This past weekend I went to the Finger Lakes Lavender Festival, which I also went to with friends last year. We picked fresh lavender, had some pretty photoshoots and pretended to be the members of Haim. (Or at least I did...) I got a sunburn due to my alabaster complexion, which I didn’t discover until I went to a pool party later. But hey, what’s summer without a few mistakes, right? On Sunday I went to brunch with my friends Kelsey, Sam, and Andrew, and from there we went to see Kelsey and Sam's brand-new roasting location for Peaks Coffee Company. It's a small space, but the perfect starter location. I'm just so proud of my best friend and all she's accomplished in the past year. We both had rocky starts to our first year post-high school, but we had each other. And now I'm happy to say that we're both on our way to doing what we want to do. We're getting there. Slowly but surely, we're getting there.

  R&R: Just today I learned that I could connect my computer to the tv and have dual screens. I’m currently watching an episode of The X-Files with my brother while I write this. I’ve also been reading a lot more. I’ve always said that if I’m not reading, consistently reading, I feel pretty sad and dead inside. So needless to say I feel pretty good right now. I’m currently reading House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski, a pretty huge undertaking, but I’m not doing it alone. I'm reading it with my friend Andrew, and we’ve been motivating each other to keep reading. The book is confusing and often terrifying, but having someone with whom I can discuss the insane plot has made things easier. I’ve never done a “buddy read” before, but I would definitely do it again, and I’m glad I decided to start with this book. Next, The X-Files. I’m not going to lie, I lost steam with it for a while there. Season 2 just got kind of boring and I had to stop for a while. But recently I picked it up again and realized that it’s everything I love. Conspiracy theories, spooky (unexplained) happenings, scary monsters, sexual tension, and aliens of course. I’m well into season 4, and am so glad I have nine seasons and 2 movies to distract me when I need some down time.

  Anyway, all of this is my long-winded way of saying that I'm happy, because I finally feel like I have this balance to my life. This balance of reading, writing, watching, working, and having fun that I've been so desperate for for a while now. Who knows, maybe I'll publish this post and all of that will fall apart, but for now it's really good. And so I just wanted to document the glorious existence of this mystical balance.

 -Fran

My Brain Has Too Many Tabs Open

  This past weekend was a busy one. So busy that when I woke up on Monday morning, I had a brief moment of pure confusion in which I wasn't sure what day it was.

  On Saturday I uploaded my weekly vlog and then hit the grocery store to pick up some goods for a barbecue/pool/birthday party in honor of our friend Sam. (Shoutout to Samwise the Brave!) I grabbed some lemons, ice, and ice cream and headed over to my friend Kelsey’s house. And man, do they know how to throw a party. We had homemade lemonade, kebabs, and a coffee-rubbed pork loin on the grill (I know it sounds weird, but trust me) that were all out of this world. We swam, ate, made bad sumatra puns, and watched The Breakfast Club. Basically, it was my idea of the perfect Saturday night. 

  On Sunday I was up bright and early to get ready for another day of filming the web series. I got there early to get some shots for the web site, and to get everything set up. But before I knew it everyone had arrived and we got straight to work. We filmed a myriad of things, and were generally more productive than last week. (Our first week.) I think it just took some time for everyone to get used to each other, and for all of us to get into a good rhythm with each other. In any case, I was much more prepared this week, and definitely had a plan of attack. But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t room for spontaneity. I had a much needed Haim dance party when I couldn’t loosen up enough in front of the camera, and we had a spontaneous mini photo-shoot at the end that yielded some pretty awesome promotional pictures. 

  Essentially, it was a great weekend, and I came away from it feeling happy, but tired. Cut to Monday, where I was feeling worn down, but in a good way. Exhausted from doing too many fun things, and from being too productive and creatively energized. So after a three hour creative meeting, I shut down. I watched Hannibal, I read, I stayed off the Internet and instead watched Gilmore Girls with my sister. But today I am reaping the rewards of that shutdown. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, sometimes it’s just necessary to detox. Even when what you’re detoxing from is GOOD STUFF. Your body simply can’t take all action all the time. No matter what your FOMO tells you.

 -Fran

P.S.- If you want a sneak peak at my web series, head on over to this link: www.overdueseries.squarespace.com

Or click on that second photo to go straight to the Instagram. :)

Courage in the Attempt

  Welcome to another segment of "this makes me anxious but I'm going to do it anyway." On Wednesday I went with a long-time friend of mine, Krista, on a day trip to Albany, NY. Our other long-time friend, Chloe, moved there immediately after we graduated high school in 2013, but we'd never been out to visit her. We were motivated by a free concert featuring The Vaccines not 30 minutes from her house. 

  I should preface this by saying that I'm not really a concert person. The last concert I went to was Vampire Weekend in December, 2013, and I only went because, well, it was Vampire Weekend. But I had a concussion at the time, and was recovering from a car accident, so it wasn't the best experience. Consequently, I haven't been to a concert since then. And I haven't wanted to. But the allure of a free concert and seeing a friend who I so rarely get to see nowadays was too tempting to pass up.

  Krista and I spent the two hour car ride discussing how and why we have commitment issues and listening to The Vaccines. The quote of the trip was, "get a good look at this asshole when I pass him." When we arrived in Albany, we kicked off the day by picking Chloe up and heading into the vaguely Stars-Hollow-esque town of Ballston Spa. We got waffles at this place called the Iron Roost, and I tried my first ever "savory waffle." It was a BLT served on a waffle sandwich. All I can say about this experience is that I want to start a waffle based religion.

 After stuffing our faces, we walked around and shopped. In one particular antique store, I got my hands on a gold revolver that Ron Swanson would have been in love with. So I posed with it, obviously.

  After this, I went to Lush for the first time in my life, which was an out-of-body experience. The store itself was pretty small, but evidently not small enough...as I still did $20 worth of damage. (That got me 3 bath bombs, in case you were wondering.)

  From here we went straight to the concert venue, where we sat, waited, and wondered if anyone was even going to show up. But eventually the show started and a small crowd of people formed, with us at the front. I'm not going to lie, I didn't feel like I was in my element there. I just find that I can't lose myself in the music quite like others can. I'm too tall, gangly and far too aware of my body and surroundings. But seeing how this show made my friends so happy, energized, and elated...seeing the smiles on their faces...in turn made me happy.

  When The Vaccines played Norgaard at the very end of their set, however, I did lose myself. I danced like the crazy nerd that I am, because I love that song, and it's been my favorite song of theirs for years. I have so many memories listening to this band, so it was really cool to see them live, in a fun and not too rowdy setting. And after the show, my friend Krista was able to get a picture with the lead singer, Justin!

  In conclusion, I may be young, but sometimes I act like an old lady. I like to be in bed by 11 and I don't like to be around people who are drunk/high. I don't like lines, I don't like standing, and I like to eat frequent meals. But I challenged myself on Wednesday, and I surprised myself by having a good time. At the start of 2015, I scribbled this little list of goals for myself in my journal. Not resolutions, necessarily, but things I wanted to do more of. The list looked like this:

Goals for 2015:
Be more adventurous
Be healthier
Grow (Mentally + emotionally)
Create more than you have ever created before
Be happy

 There's this quote from one of my favorite movies, Before Sunrise, that goes,

"You know I believe if there's any kind of God, it wouldn't be in any of us. Not you, or me. But just...this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt."

  Halfway through this year, I think I can say that I've been consistently doing those things on my list for a few months now. It hasn't been easy, and I've had to push myself a lot, but progress doesn't happen overnight. It has taken constant vigilance, constant mindfulness. But I truly believe that not only is the answer in the attempt, but courage is as well.

 -Fran