Last Week #10 | It's Always Sunny in #frelidalphia

 A year ago, all of this would have seemed like a dream.  For instance, the fact that I spent the Thursday before Memorial Day in a car crossing state lines with my friends and boyfriend, for a weekend of relaxation? Impossible. You may not know this about me, but much of my anxiety is related to sleeping in new places. So vacations, sleepovers, and weekend trips are things I've come to avoid. But when Kelsey and Sam suggested we take a trip to Philadelphia to visit the infamous La Colombe and just have fun for a weekend, I couldn't turn it down. So I spent the last few months since we booked the trip practicing, preparing, meditating, doing yoga and trying to get myself to a good mental place before we left. 

And when the worst case scenario happened, I survived. I started to have an anxiety attack, late at night when it was time for bed, and I worked through it alone. And then we worked through it together. Things weren’t always perfect on this trip. We got on each other’s nerves, we made mistakes, but most importantly, we learned and grew in spite of it. My friendships and relationships with these people are stronger as a result. I’m glad I nearly had an anxiety attack. Because I'm, no-- we're, freaking better for it. 

On the second day we met up with friends from home, serendipitously in the city the same weekend as us. As we sat there in a strange place talking about the life we'd been living miles away from home, I thought about how nothing new is impossible if you have the right people by your side. Any place can feel like home with them. And it suddenly dawned on me how two of our friends made the seemingly impossible decision to pick up and move to the other side of the country. It’s because they had each other. In that moment I realized that I could do the same, with these people. Because I already had. I took a huge step this weekend. I chose to say "fuck you" to my anxiety and do something I wanted to do anyway. That's no small feat, and a lot of the credit should probably go to me, for being strong enough to do it. But a sizable portion of that credit should be given to my friends, for creating an environment in which I felt safe enough to take chances my anxiety ordinarily wouldn't let me take.

I’ve been thinking a lot about family lately. Who matters, and more specifically why they matter. It's different for everyone, but I think some people cling to the archaic, dictionary definition of family in the hopes of keeping the status quo. But that doesn’t always work. If people are meant to, they will drift away regardless of whether or not you dig your heels in and demand they stay. Family is however you define it. For me, it is a hybrid. It’s the people I live with, sure, but it’s also the people I want to live with. It’s my best friend, her boyfriend, my boyfriend. It’s my boyfriend’s family. It’s my mentors, my therapist, my teachers, the people who inspire me and help me to live my best life. It’s the people who care, basically. 

On this trip, I think I saw a flash of the future. I saw a version of us that I suspect could be the real us. A group of genuinely happy people, full of life and love to give. Talented people who are going places. I knew that about us before, but I saw it more clearly in the bright Philadelphia sunlight. 

For me, this meant letting things go. I’m always connected. To technology, to the world, to my worries and anxiety, to this clear cut version of myself I have in my head. I reply to emails within a few hours of when I receive them (if not minutes). I'm practical. I don't like concerts. I can't go on trips because I have anxiety. But this weekend, I simply didn’t do that. I quit cold turkey. I checked my email maybe once a day, but never replied. I watched the anxieties and worries passing through my head, but didn't buy in or subscribe to any of them. I was as impractical and silly as I am physically capable of being. I went to a concert that I actually loved, discovered why people love concerts, and realized that I would see that artist a million more times live. And I learned something that’s kind of life changing. Nothing matters as much as I think it does in the moment. Like, maybe the long weekend vibes got to me, but I just felt like nothing was all that pressing. I wasn't really missing anything by being off the grid. The grid could wait. I could take time to myself, because people don’t actually email me as much as I think they do. At 9:30 am on a Friday, I laid in my bed in Philadelphia listening to Phil Collins’ Drum Duet and writing, having left all my stress back home. 

You can watch my weekly vlog from this week right here. It's one of my favorites. I can tell this will be a vlog I watch when times are tough, to remind me that it will be okay, or at least... it's always sunny in #frelidalphia.

-Fran

Last Week #9 | Honesty

 I'm a planner. And when I say planner, I don't just mean I like to make plans. I sure do, but that's not the extent of it. I like to make plans, and then I like to white knuckle grip the calendar in anticipation of my plan going awry. I clutch desperately to my plan, even if it's abundantly clear it's not going to work. And to be honest that has always worked for me, because I've only ever had to answer to myself, and things always got done that way. But now, something I'm learning as I progress and grow in friendships and relationships and adulthood, is that the plan isn't set in stone, and clinging to it like it is doesn't help anything. If something doesn't work, it doesn't work, and we should just do ourselves a favor and let it go. 

 This is easier said than done. Case in point-- I wrote the first paragraph of this blog post at the beginning of last week, and I meant it. I went on to talk about how "Things felt easier this week. Plans felt like they just came together, fell together. Although I did feel myself getting worked up about "the plan" at times, I tried to keep it in check, and not give in to that anxious crutch."

 I even went on to describe each day in detail, and talk about how things just fell together on each one of them, despite my not making explicit plans for them. For my grand finale I finished with, "I rolled with the punches this week, and I think it's because I did my best to channel my inner Idina and LET IT GO.  To all you planners out there, I challenge you, nay I urge you to unhand the calendar a little bit this week. Not to your detriment-- you should still use it to remember when that dreaded dentist appointment is, but remember that things will still get done even if you don't stare at it and check things off every five seconds. It's as much of an addition as technology or chocolate. Break up with your calendar this week. Or at least...take a 'break.'"

 But then, Sunday rolled around. And for some mysterious reason that I couldn't, and still can't figure out, I couldn't get out of bed. I've had depression for a good portion of my life I'd say. I've felt depressed before, I've been in the depths of it, and thought I'd seen and felt it all. But this, this not being able to get out of bed, this not being able to find a reason to get up despite the dozens of things I have to look forward to- in the immediate and long term future- this was new to me. And until about the middle of the afternoon, I couldn't cope with it. But then, I accepted some help. I allowed my boyfriend to come over, and we watched Bob's Burgers and ate Panera and randomly went to Old Navy so I could get out for a bit. It wasn't my original plan for the day, and there were parts of it that were ugly, but at the end, it was beautiful. 

 I decided early last week that I was going to start really writing on this blog. I'm not going to shy away from things anymore, I told myself. I'm going to tell the truth. The hard, ugly, blurry truth. So when it came time to finalize this blog post, I couldn't rationalize using the original draft, because it felt hypocritical to leave out the ugly bits just to prove my point. So I wanted to tell you the truth in this blog post. And the truth is, I have a lot to learn, even about things I thought I knew everything about. There are some things I'd rather not know more about, like the unexplored depths of my own depression. But even though it might not be my plan to learn more about it, even though I'd rather not go there, I have to realize that fuck-- things don't always go according to plan. I may very well see more depths, even amidst these many peaks. I'm working on coming to terms with that today, last week, and every day in the future. 

 -Fran

Anxiously Aware

 May is mental health awareness month, so I wanted to take this time to talk about a topic that is near and dear to my heart, and so many others' as well.

 The scariest thing about mental illness isn't the illness itself, but the lack of awareness, appreciation, and sympathy people have for it. If someone says, "I have the flu" they are met with hoards of well-wishes and offers for medicine and pick-me-ups like soup or funny TV shows. But if someone says, "I have anxiety" or "I've been feeling really anxious lately," they are often met with comments like, "just calm down," "relax," "chill out," or are simply told that they're overreacting. There is an astounding lack of sympathy for sufferers of mental illness of any kind, not just anxiety.

 Anxiety is kind of like being in a room full of laser beams. You might successfully step over one just to collide with the next one, one you hadn't even previously known was there. And when you do come up against your fears and anxieties there are real, tangible consequences, as the symptoms of anxiety are a lot bigger than anyone understands. With anxiety (and many other mental illnesses), you're constantly dodging and weaving through a maze of worry and insecurity, and it is completely exhausting. But it's a silent struggle, and a lot of times it might not seem to other people like anything is actually wrong. So they tell you, "relax, it's fine" or, "you always worry for no reason," and that can make you second guess what you're feeling, and pretend it's not happening. No, it's fine. You might tell yourself. Other people do this and they're okay. I'm fine. But it's not fine, and this cultural apathy only serves to continue the pain and suffering, in situations where it might have been helped.

 What pains me the most as a sufferer myself, and someone who has been speaking fairly openly about my anxiety for about five years now, is that I still find myself apologizing when I tell someone what's going on with me. I'm still downplaying it, still using a smaller voice to try to make it seem like it's not a big deal. I find myself saying, "Oh, I've just been feeling kind of anxious lately..." and shrugging, like it's not totally kicking my ass. Like it doesn't make me want to completely give up sometimes. I've had anxiety since I was about seven years old, so I've had years to get to know it, and become familiar with the nitty gritty, ugly highs and lows of it. And yet even I still sometimes fall victim to this unfeeling and unforgiving cultural mindset about mental illness.

 What I'm saying is, there needs to be more sympathy for sufferers of mental illness, and it starts with us. If you suffer, please, treat yourself well. Try your best not to negate your feelings in your own mind. Allow yourself to feel bad, because in my experience admitting that you feel bad is the first step (on a sometimes long road) to feeling better. Do I still feel like total shit about the fact that going to the movies has been making me crazy anxious lately? Yes. Do I feel bad about the fact that I had to leave the theater a few weeks ago before the movie was even over because of this anxiety? Yes. Do I horribly guilty for making my boyfriend leave that movie as well? Yes. Do I feel bad about the fact that "normal" activities are harder for me, and require more thought and preparation beforehand than most? Yes. Am I afraid that something as small (and ordinarily FUN) as a simple road trip to Philadelphia might end in disaster? Yes. Am I sometimes I afraid that this will effect my whole life, that I'll never do the things I dream of because my anxiety will hold me back? Yes. Am I cripplingly afraid of letting fear control me? Yes would be an understatement.

 It's okay to admit all that, but it's also okay to cut yourself some slack. Do people with the flu apologize for sneezing? Well, maybe, if they do it impolitely and get someone else sick, but ordinarily-- NO. They are met with, and I'll say this word again for emphasis, SYMPATHY. Kindness. Well-wishes and pats on the back (even if it's from a distance and with hand sanitizer at the ready). So maybe it's high time we do the same for people with mental illness. Unlike the flu, it isn't catching. You don't have to avoid the subject for fear you'll catch it yourself. This month, I'd urge you to be more mindful, considerate, and open to conversation about mental illness, in the hopes that one day it will be a natural reflex rather than a conscious effort to be sympathetic about this topic.

 -Fran

Last Week #8 | New Developments

 Last week, I was very focused on saying "yes." I don't know whether it's the improv class, or... Oh, yeah, it's definitely the improv class.

 Although I had an abundance of meetings and tasks and last minute finalizations to complete, I really wanted to make sure that the fullness of my schedule didn't effect the quality of my work. I tried to make sure that I was also enjoying moments in my life for me, and not just focusing on getting to and through the next task.

 To that end: I read a lot. I wrote a lot. I drew a lot. I tried to find beauty and notice it, even though tough moments were happening. I tried to remain optimistic, but inevitably, I discovered something new about myself. I now find being alone a little bit difficult. In the moments where I was, unintentionally, alone, I found myself going to bed at 9:30 because I didn't know what else to do. I want to work on that. Because as someone who so prided herself on her ability to work, to be alone, to make the best of every crappy moment, I now seem to have lost the ability to do that. So that's something I am going to be working on this week.

 I hope you enjoy the week ahead, and find the strength to tackle whatever personal or creative challenges are daunting you.

 -Fran

Last Week #7 | Close Calls

Last week was simultaneously stressful and not. Let me break it down for you.

#1: Monday was great. 

 Soleil Cafe had a fantastic opening day (you can read more about that here), and my improv class went well again. I'm learning so much from that class, and not just about acting. It is helping me in my everyday life. In my thought processes, in my relationships, in my communication with others. 

#2: I got pulled over for speeding, but didn’t get a speeding ticket. 

 For someone who struggles with driving, this was horrifying. But I guess it could be considered a wake up call? Honestly, I spend a lot of time driving nowadays, with a 30 minute commute between my home and Peaks, or my home and my boyfriend's house. And I guess I'm constantly feeling like I don't have enough time, or (we) don't have enough time, so I try to make up that lost time in the car. Which is stupid. So that experience was upsetting, and bad, but maybe also good.

#3: Someone hit my car while it was parked in a parking lot. 

 Ugh. This is nothing but bad, really, except for the fact that their insurance will pay for it and it wasn't my fault at all. It's just yet another way in which I'm feeling overwhelmed about driving again recently. 

#4: That same night, I saw Captain America: Civil War. 

 A movie I'd been anticipating since about 2010. You can read more about that here, but just know that it was the pick-me-up experience I needed after all these car-related disasters this week. 

#5: Friday, I finally finished something that's been on my To-Do List for 3 weeks straight now.    Revising the first 50 pages of my in-progress novel for a novel workshop class I'm taking at school. This is the final step, the final assignment for the class before the end of the semester, and it's been by far the hardest one. Making significant changes to a work that has consumed your creative mind for nearly two years is never easy. But Friday I made it to page 52. And though it still needs some fine tuning before I send it in on May 15th, I'm proud of the progress I made this week. 

All of these things are not things you'd know by watching my weekly vlogs. They no longer have a narrative (which I honestly like) and really only show the highs, rather than the lows. But these are the moments in-between the highs. The middles, and the lowest of the lows. So, now that you know it all, you can see the peaks right here: 

 -Fran

Civil War

 Moviegoing has made me kind of anxious lately. I don't know why, because the movie theater has always been one place where I never got anxious, but lately it's been almost crippling. I was randomly paranoid/anxious during Deadpool in February, and had to leave the theater before the end of The Jungle Book just a few weeks ago. And I've been feeling really down about it, because I've started to think that maybe I can't do this thing that I love anymore. Maybe I'm too broken, too fearful, too paranoid to go to the movies anymore.

 Truth be told, I guess I've always had a little bit of anxiety related to going to the movies, but it's really just small stuff like needing to be there 20 minutes early so I can pee and get a good seat. Never before have I felt so anxious and unsafe that I needed to leave. 

 All that considered, though, I'm never going to be the kind of girl who doesn't see a brand new Marvel movie opening weekend. So Thursday night, I found myself at an early showing of Captain America: Civil War, and I was more than a little anxious, for a few reasons. #1: My car had been hit while parked in my library parking lot just a few hours before; #2: I was in a tiny theater full of strangers; and #3: I was about to see the film adaptation of the first comic I'd ever read. You could say there were a few jitters. 

 But even though I looked over my shoulder more than a few times, and gripped my agate crystal rock the entire time, in the end, I made it through. And I was happy. The movie was everything I had hoped for, and was nothing close to the colossal letdown Age of Ultron had been last year. I got the Iron Man/ Captain America battle I'd been dreaming of, as well as validation for loving Captain America as much as I do. 

 I got a movie that was worth the anxiety, and I proved to myself that this isn't a battle I have to give up on. Anxiety is just that. A battle. Just when you think you have a handle on it, it changes its tactics, changes its mind, and you lose your grip on control of it once more. But much like Captain America, it's not gonna finish me off. And it's not gonna hold me back. 

 -Fran

Brew Brightness

 On a rainy Monday morning in May, Soleil Cafe began brewing brightness. I don't feel like I'm old enough to know people who own businesses that are changing the economic face of my area, but I do, and it's an incredible feeling. Sitting in Soleil on Monday morning, I felt so appreciative of the fact that there are young people I know who are so passionate about spreading positivity and rising above negativity and hate. 

 I could go on a rant about how this generation of Millennials (or whatever you want any to call us) work so hard, stay true to our message at all costs, and get none of the credit for it. All I have to say is, we're not going anywhere. And Monday was proof of that. Quality, hard work, and heart will always win out over mass produced quantity. 

#brewbrightness #peakinggoodcoffee

 -Fran

Last Week #6

 Last week was about enjoying the Peaks. It's easy to fall into a tired old routine and never want to stray from it simply because it's familiar. That's something I struggle with. Constantly. But this week I learned that baking brownie pie for friends and discovering newness in yourself and your relationships is never anything but great. 

 For instance, Monday I had my first ever improv class, which I was so incredibly nervous for but ended up so well. Though I had a fair amount of initial anxiety, by the end of the night I was glad I said yes to that opportunity, and followed through with it. 

 Friday, I said yes to another Peak. Literally. Filming the Kickstarter video for Peaks Coffee Company's new location at the crack of dawn, but getting shots that were so worth it. Witnessing moments throughout that I'll probably never forget. Spending a weekend with the people I love, relaxing, reveling in it all, and working to make their next endeavor a reality. 

 My favorite thing about my friends is that we never let each other say no to an opportunity that will be good for us. Even when it's hard, we always band together and figure out a way to make it happen, and make it happen well. We have each other's backs, and are constantly working to help make each other's dreams come true. They've taught me that life is about enjoying the Peaks and enduring the Valleys, and have not only ensured me but also shown me that they'll be there for both. 

 If you want to donate to a truly incredible company that believes in the power to change lives with a quality cup coffee, click here to watch (and donate!) to their Kickstarter. There a plenty of peaking good days ahead, and I'm looking forward to each and every one of them. 

#peakinggoodcoffee

-Fran