Last Week #3

 Last week once again started out with a lot of anxiety. There was miscommunication and worry, but I did my best to resolve it as quickly as possible. Throughout the week I had great connections with people on the internet, who really came through for me and my online work.

 On Thursday, the Aries New Moon, I symbolically planted new life in OVERDUE by planting a succulent in the OVERDUE mug I was given by my co-director/producer/editor Monica at the end of filming this summer. It now brightens my day to see something growing out of something we made together.

 Friday I saw months of hard work pay off. We had a screening party for OVERDUE at the Cazenovia Public Library. I'm still not sure how to put into words how it went, or how I feel about it, and I can't really show you it because I idiotically forgot my camera battery at home on the biggest night of my recent life. But mostly, I think I just felt grateful. That I got to host this event at all, and share the work that I and my friends did over the summer with people who seemed genuinely interested in and impressed by it...but also that I got to do it with said friends. I was nervous as heck and I still don't really think I was the best hostess (I spent a lot of time in the back holding a small child and nervously drinking ginger ale) but I got to hold someone's hand while I watched myself awkwardly dance on an enormous projector. I got to do it with people I love.

 As the event went on, I relaxed and became more myself. So I think I'm going to challenge myself to do more of these, and hope that not only the events continue to get better, but I do as well. So here's to doing things that scare us, and doing them multiple times, and with fervor.

 This is what my life looked like this week. As usual, it's the in-between moments that are documented, not the events themselves. But I'm starting to think there's something to that.

 -Fran

H O M E

 For a long time, I was under the impression that I would never be able to leave home like a normal teenager. But the truth is, as I've come to find out, that I was just never going to leave home in the traditional way. I was always going to have to ease into it. This makes sense, looking back on my life so far and knowing the kind of person I am. There was no way I was ever going to do the traditional "leave home and go away to college" thing. But that doesn't mean that I was never going to leave.

 Over the past six months, ever since Peaks Coffee Company officially opened it's doors for business and I started dating Eli, I've noticed that home isn't really the same anymore. As I've spent more and more time out there with Peaks and him, my childhood home seems less like where I hang my hat and more like my crash landing pad where I collapse after a long day of being elsewhere. It's no longer my end destination. It's the place where I'm fueling up for takeoff, on my journey to my home. The home I will make for myself by myself (and let's be honest, probably with Kelsey too).

 So all this is to say: I'm easing into it. I've been noticing that Cazenovia feels more like home now, and I just thought I'd take a moment to ruminate on that new development here. I hope you don't mind.

-Fran

Last Week #2

 This week, I was pretty worried. Stressed. Anxious. There were a lot of things that needed to get done in a seemingly minuscule amount of time. I had meetings and projects to finish and a life to live in between all of that. I'm always feeling like there isn't enough time. Time to get things done, and time with the people I love especially. But at the end of this week, looking back on the footage, I realized that those moments, that time, was there. It existed, just on a smaller scale than I'd imagined. Than I'd like.

 My note to myself last week (I have a new one every week, a sort of weekly mantra that I can keep going back to throughout the week) was: "Nothing takes as long as you think. It's all manageable." I know that technically, some things take a long time, and I have to accept that. But sometimes the big things feel really big, and they create this huge road block in my mind that keeps me from thinking about anything else until they're done. So this reminder kept me grounded, calmed me down, and motivated me all at once.

 This week was good. It wasn't as eventful, as action packed and notably, viscerally fantastic as last week, but that's okay. The quiet moments keep you grounded and allow you to refuel for the next big ones. And they're coming my way. So I'm glad I had these last seven days to recharge and prepare for what's to come. I hope you enjoy the footage of these happy, relaxed moments. I enjoyed living them.

-Fran

Last Week #1

 I have been making weekly vlogs every week since about April of 2015, and I've decided I'm going to start sharing them with you here. This may become a Monday feature in the future, but for now, have it today. 

 My reminder to myself last week was, "To enjoy the moments in between the chaos. See how your hard work has paid off." And that's exactly what I did, incidentally enough. Last week was kind of everything I want my life to look like, all the time. I caught up with friends and teachers, I worked, I saw that work pay off in print, I watched shows I love, I spent quality alone time with the person I love, I challenged myself with new experiences, and I prepared the final episode of the show I've worked so hard on for the last year, for publication. I saw things coming to a close and things just beginning. This is what last week looked like.

 I can only hope to be so lucky that the coming weeks will hold more of the same challenges and celebrations as this one did.

-Fran

Not Over OVERDUE

 So...OVERDUE (my YouTube web series that has been premiering since August 2015) is over. The final episode went live on Friday night, March 25th, and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. My emotions are a mixture of happy and sad, to be sure.

I mean, this project has taken up the last year of my life. And while there was a sadness that overtook me when we finished filming, the sadness I feel now is much more subtle, and yet greater. That sadness was palpable. This one is vague, rippling under the surface, overwhelming me in unexpected moments of vulnerability.

You all know that one of my favorite pastimes (because I am a nostalgic piece of garbage), is looking back. Seeing where I was then compared to where I sit now.

In August, I was terrified. I was afraid of people leaving and my life changing and new challenges and what all of these chances I was taking would mean for my future.

In March, I am still terrified, but more confident. I'm more sure of everything I'm doing. I'm surer with every passing day that what I'm doing is right for me.

In August, I had a little get-together at my house on the night the first episode was released. My good friends Sam and Kelsey were there with plenty of good food, as was Eli, the guy who made the theme song, who I didn't really know at that point. I sat next to him on the couch, unsure, uncomfortable, but wanting to be closer.

In March, that same group of four watched the final episode on my laptop in Sam & Kelsey's coffee shop. Then Sam, Kelsey, and Eli took me to dinner to celebrate. I sat close to Eli, knowing there wasn't a limit to how close I could get anymore.

 So much has changed, and so much has happened as a result of this show. This chance I took that I was scared every single day of ruining, of mucking up, has brought so much love and light and life into my world. And I think the fact that I'm so sad to see it go is an indicator of how right I was to take this chance, and a message to my future self to take more.

We're all overdue for something.
Maybe I was overdue for taking a few chances.

-Fran

P.S.- The playlist with all the episodes, minisodes, and trailers is right here, if you're interested in watching!

S I X M O N T H S

 In the last six months...

People moved away. People started a business. People quit their jobs. Two people started a relationship...and not only kept it going, but kept it growing. 

I know in relationship terms six months is barely anything. But for someone who has never been in one before (make that two someone's), it's everything. It can be summed up in the words he said to me on Monday: "Cause we've been dating for six months, and that's a big deal. And I don't want every six months to be a big deal, but years and years."

The fact is I've loved every second we've been together. Even the hard ones where one or both of us were in pain and we had to coax it out from where it was hiding and festering and see it, feel it, and even though it hurt, try to heal it. 

This has been a happy, painful, joyful, healing six months. So much has happened. And while I know I could do it all without him by my side, (I'm an independent woman after all: I lived 19 years without him, and I know I'm capable of more) I don't want to. We're right for each other. I can't wait for the coming moments, but I love the ones we're in. 

Yesterday we spent the day in Rochester, where it kind of all began for us six months ago. We went to three coffee shops in a row, and even though I don't drink coffee, I loved it. I love the coffee shop atmosphere, (as well as really good waffles and next-level tea) and I loved exploring new places with a person I love. Then we hit up this little crystal shop, where I went a little crazy but at the same time maybe I didn't go crazy enough. Last, but certainly not least, was Lush. I bought gifts for my sister for her birthday and "Treat Yo Self" gifts for me, which explains why the number on the receipt was so high. 

I finished the day by doing something that scared the life out of every cell in my body. I was a guest on a local YouTube show, The Life of Reilley, promoting OVERDUE. 

At the end of it, when I was feeling the adrenaline drain from my body and starting to slump over from exhaustion, I recalled what our dear friend Lottie told us to do as she left for California. To take care of ourselves and keep following our dreams. Yesterday I did both, and I'm just so glad I have this group of people to hold my hand while I do it. 

Eli, thanks for dating me. I love you and I like you more every day. 

Sam and Kelsey and Lottie and John, thanks for being my friend. You're the support system that my body wasn't built with, but needs nonetheless. 

I think it's important, whether you're in a relationship or not, to take a step back every few months and evaluate where you are now in comparison to where you were then. Because it's so easy to forget how far we've come, and downplay our achievements. But they're there, because we've made them happen. 


 -Fran

#Caiellafornia

 Yesterday, at approximately 8:45 am, I said goodbye to two of my favorite people. They got in the car and got on the road to their new life in California. I still don't quite have the words to describe how I feel about the whole experience. But I'm going to give it a try anyway.

 Over the past few months, no, since about May of 2015, I've gotten closer and closer to these people until it felt like we were this tight-knit group. My whole life, I've kind of been looking for this group. I've been a part of friend groups and have great friends who I love and will always love, but I think I've been looking for this particular creative, passionate group of do-ers for a while. In 2015, I found it. Or more accurately, we built it. We built our friendship on one fundamental commonality: our dreams. Even though our passions and goals are in a variety of different categories and genres, they all have one thing in common: creativity. We are all actively pursuing creative careers, creative dreams. We know how scary and unsound that is, but we're doing it anyway. So even though one of us wants to be a graphic designer and another a musician and another a writer and another a filmmaker and two others coffee shop owners, we all have in common the passionate pursual of those creative dreams.

 In October two members of our group, Sam and Kelsey, made their dream a reality. Peaks Coffee Company opened it's doors on October 3rd, 2015. Right around then, Lottie and John got word that they might have the opportunity to move to California for the type of job John had always dreamed of. Yesterday they departed on that journey. I feel like Eli and I are still working on making ours happen. Being an artist is weird, because it's so intangible. Every little victory feels enormous at the time, but you look back on it and feel that it wasn't that big of a deal. But it's important to remember that every little victory is a brick in the road building to a bigger one. So I think we're on our way. 

 Yesterday Lottie made us promise that we'd take care of ourselves and keep following our dreams. I didn't have any huge New Year's resolutions for 2016, but I think I just found the one I will be actively pursuing this year. For Lottie, and for the people in my life who are constantly striving to make theirs better. To keep growing. To keep learning. To keep saying yes. That's what this admittedly difficult change has taught me. Lottie & John just said HECK YES to the biggest, scariest change imaginable. They packed up their baby dog and their hopes and fears and dreams in one little car and went for it. And for that I find them endlessly inspiring. 

 Before yesterday, I've never had the experience of crying after a friend has left. I always thought that was because I'm a loner, or emotionless, or something. But after they pulled out of the Peaks parking lot and hit the road, Kelsey and I had a moment not unlike the end of The Holiday. We were both Jude Law, crying helplessly in the back room. While right now I'm mourning the physical departure of two people who understood me in ways I never thought possible, I am also rejoicing in their success at the same time, and feeling grateful for the fact that I still have 4/6ths of our little squad here by my side. 

 Friendship is a really weird, ambiguous thing that I don't think I'll ever understand. But I'm excited to keep learning and growing with these people, whether that's from opposite coasts or fifteen minutes down the road.

 -Fran