A Love Letter To Jenny Han

  Before there was John Green, there was Jenny Han. (Not literally, I'm actually not sure who is older.) I mean, for me. Years before I ever picked up my first John Green book, (Paper Towns, if you were interested) Jenny Han had been teaching me about the ins and outs of adolescence. When I was about 12, I picked up her first book, Shug. It’s been a while since I read it, but I remember it teaching me about all-important first kisses and those irresistible boys next door. And that was when I fell in love with her writing. 

  A few years later my older, bookish, Gilmore Girls loving friend recommended The Summer I Turned Pretty series. I was instantly hooked, and I can remember staying up late into those hot summer nights reading the first two books. Then I waited (not so) patiently for the third, and bought it the second it came out. I can remember going back and forth between Conrad and Jeremiah, and feeling as torn as Belly, even though I had nothing to compare her experience to. That series taught me about first loves and first losses and making your first big mistakes and choices. (Though I will admit, for me it was always going to be Conrad...)

  Then last spring Han's book To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before came out, and everyone in the bookish community was abuzz about it. But I already knew I’d be picking it up, because by this point I was a long-time Jenny Han fangirl. I grabbed it the day it came out, and even though I was 18 when I read it, it still resonated strongly with me. When I read this book, (and its recent sequel P.S. I Still Love You) I finally had real-life boys to compare Lara Jean’s long list of (almost) ex-lovers to. I felt it all more deeply because I had begun to feel more deeply. But this duo-logy contains so many more lessons than just those about boys.

  P.S. I Still Love You touched on important topics like feminism, (and what it really is) slut-shaming and the differences in how men and women are treated in the same situations, even at the high school age. Being 19, I really picked up on those threads, and appreciated that they were woven into a best-selling series for young adults. I'm really glad that Jenny Han's books are so popular, because they are extremely readable, well written, and send such positive messages to young girls. And I'm over the moon that just a few days ago at my job at the library, a 13 year old girl took this book out.

  I feel like with each of Jenny Han's books, she's taught her readers about the next stage of life. The next unknown. I’ve grown up with her stories, though not in the same way that I literally grew up with Harry Potter, to be fair. But as I look back, I see that at the pivotal points in my life, nay, the awkward, in-between points in my life, there was a Jenny Han book by my side that taught me what to do. I think Jenny Han deserves all of her success and more, because her novels are proof that the fun, sweet, and romantic YA genre can also be a vehicle for educating young people. A book can be fun to read and still teach you something valuable.

  So for that, I must say: Jenny Han, I love you. 

 - Fran

P.S.- There's actually going to be a third book, right? RIGHT?!

What I've Been Watching #3

  Here is my third installment of how I've been avoiding socialization What I've Been Watching. 

  First and foremost: Locke. I watched this film on a whim, and it was absolutely brilliant. The entirety of the movie takes place in a car, where Tom Hardy is driving towards a... certain destination, and passes the time by making many consecutive phone calls. But despite the unconventional setting, it never got boring. It was downright compelling, and I was so surprised at how this movie had me on the edge of my seat. I honestly don't know how to stress to you how incredible this movie was. I mean, I cried twice. And at the end of it, all I could think was: This is what filmmaking SHOULD BE. Just pure, unadulterated, captivating storytelling. If a story is good, it shouldn't matter if there is a sex scene or explosions or a dreamy lead actor. If a story is good, the entire two hour movie could take place in a car, driving through England at night. It's safe to say that this movie affected me a little bit, and I'd therefore highly recommend it. 

  Next is Take This Waltz. This movie also made me cry. A LOT. It was about life, and how you can never be sure you're making the right choice but that doesn't mean you shouldn't choose. It was about how the in-between spaces can suck, and are oftentimes utterly terrifying. It was about how we're all afraid of being afraid and afraid of connections. (That last one is something I've had many a late night panic attack over.) It was beautiful, artistic, poetic, raw, and real. Michelle Williams was lovely and otherworldly, and Seth Rogen proved that he can actually play a character other than himself. Who knew, right?

  Finally, on a whim this past Saturday I decided to see Mad Max: Fury Road by myself, which was quite the experience. I don’t know why it’s considered so taboo and lame to go to the movies by yourself, but I decided I didn't really care. I had my heart set on seeing Mad Max, because I had heard that it was badass, well written, and most importantly, hella feminist. So I did that. AND IT WAS FREAKING AWESOME. But before I get into my myriad of thoughts on the subject, I'd like to share with you another list I made.

Pros of going to the movies by yourself:

You don't have to listen to anyone talk through the trailers

You don't have to share your popcorn

You can write on your phone during all of the trailers for cars and ABC Family shows 

You get to see the movie with a bunch of old people, who are super quiet because they can't hear to begin with

Cons of going to the movies by yourself:

There's no one to watch your seat when you inevitably have to pee during the 5 hours of trailers

Since you don't have to share your popcorn, you end up eating all of it by yourself. This becomes a problem later on...

There's no one to rant to after you've just had a spiritual awakening in an action movie

   In any case, back to the movie. I did a mini review of sorts in my Weekly Vlog last week, but I'll say this anyway: This movie was damn near perfect. In action movies, you rarely ever see badass female characters, let alone women of color, or women with significant speaking roles. This film had all of the above (in abundance) and more. Not only did the women have more lines than any of the men, including Mad Max himself, but their character development also went above and beyond anything I've ever seen in a summer blockbuster action movie. An early review I read said something like, "this film puts the bechdel test to shame..." which I must wholeheartedly agree with. This film proves that not only is the tried-and-true action movie formula worn out, outdated, and irrelevant, but it proves that we're really better off without it. 

   This movie has made nearly $300 million worldwide, and I think it's because more women are in the audience. Why? (Hint: It's not because of Tom Hardy's killer body.) It's because George Miller decided to tell a culturally relevant, relatable tale set in a post-apocalyptic world. It's because he decided to show women (of a variety of ethnicities) kicking ass, getting revenge on their captor, and developing as human beings. It's because he decided to show women as people, and not mere sexual objects for the lead actor to interact with. It's because he decided to tell a story about sexual violence, and the horrors that women are often faced with, without actually showing gratuitous sexual violence. This movie is as much of a feminist film for men as it is for women. Tom Hardy's portrayal of Mad Max was beautiful and brilliant, and was in such stark contrast to the other violent, power-hungry men on the screen. He showed that a man can be powerful, badass, and cool, without needing to abuse women to get there. Max's complex relationship with Charlize Theron's character, Furiosa, showed that not all relationships between men and women have to be purely sexual. They had a bond, a true connection, and we didn't need to see them make out to understand that. In essence, Mad Max: Fury Road is more than worth your time and money. And I'll just say it: I liked it way more than Avengers: Age of Ultron. 

I hope you found some new movies to see and love this weekend! :)

 -Fran 

On Writing & Self-Doubt

  

 I am so scared right now. Like, really, really scared. I’m tackling quite a few huge creative projects at the moment, and I feel like running for the nearest exit, because they are all extremely intimidating. As some of you may know, I’ve been working on a novel since November of 2014. I've experienced some ups and downs with this draft, but in recent months I’ve gotten back on track with it. It’s pretty close to being finished, (the first draft, anyway) and that absolutely terrifies me. I don’t want to be done with these characters and their stories and their voices and their lives. Because whenever I can’t think of what I should do next, I just think up a new scenario for Margaux. (My main character.) And for a moment, that makes everything better. So I’m afraid to be done with it because that’ll mean I’ll have to move onto Step 2. Editing. Sending it off to publishers. Querying. The part that I’ve never been very good at. And while the writing groups I’ve joined in the past few months have been helping me with this, as well as helping me build confidence, I still don’t feel 100% okay with it all. There are still days when I think: Is this even worth it? Is anything I write even good at all?

   The other thing I’m working on is a web series. I have been hesitant to tell you about it, partly because it wasn’t a feasible reality until two weeks ago, partly because I was afraid, and partly to build suspense/hype. But now it’s happening, and I’m going to start filming this summer, and I want to tell you about it. I’m not going to give many details, (for that suspense reason I mentioned before) but all you need to know is that it’s a web series and I’m super excited about it. But I’m also really scared, for a variety of reasons. A web series isn’t like a novel. People are going to see it a lot sooner than they’re ever going to read my novel. They’re going to see my writing in action, my directorial skills, my acting. And that scares the life out of me. Because I think: What if it’s complete shit? What if I waste everyone’s time, including my own? What if this isn’t what I should be doing, and this proves it? What if I'm not actually a writer? What if what if what if?

   Sometimes I become petrified that nothing will ever come of this. That I'll work myself to the bone week in and week out...for nothing. That I won’t become a best-selling author, (or even a selling author) no one will ever read what I write, and I’ll end up working at the library for the rest of my life. And while I know that wouldn’t be a bad life, it’s not the life I want. I want to tell stories, because that’s really all we have. In my opinion, stories are the only things that are worth anything in this world. So it scares me that there's a chance I might not be very good at the one thing that means anything to me. What would I even do otherwise? But then I think, No. There’s this quote I have posted above my desk that reads,

   "The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling." -Fabienne Fredrickson

   And I think that’s true. I have to believe that the things we are passionate about, the things that get us out of bed in the morning, are the things that we are meant to be doing. Even if my worst fears are true, and I’m not as good as I’d like to be, I have to believe that if it’s truly my calling, I will do anything in my power to get better.

  In other news, last week I wrote a piece on why it's okay to be alone and submitted it to Local Wolves (an awesome online lit mag) for their upcoming #TeamSolitude issue. And just yesterday I got an email saying that it's going to be published. So I'm taking this as a sign that I'm on the right track. I just felt the need to be completely honest with you guys, because I think we all feel this way sometimes, and there's no use trying to hide it. I'm scared right now, sure. But I'm also excited. Here's one last quote that's making me feel better right now.

 "A good goal should scare you a little and excite you a lot." -Chris Soriano

And they do, so I guess I'm okay.

 -Fran

Milestones

 


   Above are some snapshots I took last night, before my final writing class began. The downtown writer's center where I have been taking classes has a really beautiful waiting room, equipped with comfy chairs and lined with bookshelves full of not just books, but literature. Every week I found myself noticing a new title, but it wasn't until last night that I noticed this one. I know they say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but just LOOK AT IT. It's beautiful! Anyway, now to the real point of this blog post.

  I look for signs everywhere. Signs that I’m doing the right thing, signs that I’m not, signs that this is the path I should take over that one. Sometimes, they’re obvious. A beautiful, brightly colored leaf lying on the floor by my seat, where I had been sitting with a friend debating making the trip to Rochester. That was my sign that I should figure out a way to go. But sometimes they’re more subtle than that. For instance, I didn’t really get a clear sign that I should sign up for this writing class downtown. But once I did, I had this amazing, overwhelming feeling that I had chosen right.

  When I arrived on the first night of the 8 week fiction writing course back in January, I didn’t really know what to expect. I am much more sure of myself as a writer than I am as a human being. In group environments, I’m pretty quiet at first, until I figure out the vibe of the group, and then I let my true nature shine through. I knew that we’d be doing fiction writing exercises, and that there would be some critique, but that was about it. What I loved about this class was how it pushed me to look at my story differently. Every time we did an exercise, I came away from it having learned something new about my character, my story, or myself as a writer. Each exercise challenged me, and helped me in some way. 

  So when that class ended and it came time to sign up for the next class, fittingly titled Novel Boot Camp, I did what most people would do. I waited until the last minute. Then, after I learned that the friends I had made during the coarse of the first class were also taking it, signed up at the last possible second and caused myself a ton of anxiety about changing my work schedule. 

  But honestly, all that anxiety was worth it. Last night was the last class of this session, and probably my last class for a while, and I’m so glad that I did it. First and foremost, it got me working on my story again. And not only working on it, but working on it and thinking about it critically. For once, it felt like all my hard work and hours spent writing paid off, because at the end of each week people actually read what I wrote, and had things to say about it. So that was thrilling, terrifying, and rewarding all at once. And you know what? It made me more confident. Every week people would tell me that I have a strong voice, that they love my characters, that this or that is extremely relatable. Someone even wrote, “Your writing style strikes a nice balance between entertaining and thought provoking.” I mean, what more can a girl ask for? But they also pushed me to be better. When something wasn’t working, they didn’t just tear me down. They gave suggestions as to how I could make it really fantastic, which was so helpful and instrumental. 

  So that brings me to the second aspect of this class that I loved: the people. I’ve always wanted to be in a writing group, a book club, or some place where I could have intellectual discussions and really pick apart a piece of writing. And I know some of you may be thinking, "But Fran! School has exactly that! You should go to college!" And while you may be a tiny bit right, because I did love the English course I took in my senior year of high school, I would argue that college really isn’t the best forum for this. So many people are just there for the credit. In and out. No one, not even me, wants to linger in the classroom any longer than they have to. But this little 8 week course was such a great alternative to that, because we all wanted to be there. There was no homework, just the desire to help each other make our work better. And that really showed through. The passion that sometimes erupted in the room when we all got fired up about a certain passage or idea— that’s what I’m after. At the end of these 8 weeks, I really feel like I got to know these people through their work. And I've come to like them. I think they feel the same way as well, because we’re organizing our own little outside get-togethers between now and when the next class starts. That makes me so happy, because this is something I’ve always wanted. I’ve always longed to be a part of a group that really cares about writing. Now that I finally am, I wouldn’t trade it for any degree program out there.

  This class also marks a momentous milestone for me. A year ago, I had no desire to write, no desire to be in the classroom, no desire to interact socially, and no desire to drive. A year ago, there was no way I would have driven myself downtown every week, parked my car on the sketchy streets, and gone into a room full of adults and shared my writing. But now look at me. I did exactly that! For 8 whole weeks, I did that! Through panic attacks and not feeling well; through not being able to find parking and being afraid of people on the streets. Even when my mom said, "It's okay for you to come home," I did it. I faced my fears, and I’m so proud of myself for that right now. I know that my path is different. I’m not your typical 19 year old, (and not in that cliche YA novel protagonist way) but that’s okay. Because I’m figuring it out, one tiny baby step at a time. 

I hope you all have an awesome weekend,

 -Fran

"Turn That Friz-own Upsi-dizzity"

   

   In all honesty, I thought today was going to be total shit. I woke up at 5:30 to the sound of a woodpecker slamming its beak into the wood paneling of my house in search of food, which just so happened to be right above my headboard. As luck would have it, I was right in the middle of a dream where the cast of Parks & Recreation and I were on a hike through the woods. Tom Haverford was saying something funny and then suddenly it sounded like someone was drilling nails into my bedroom wall. What kind of terrible luck is that? And to make matters worse, after I ran outside and chased it away, I couldn’t get back to sleep. I haven’t been sleeping very well for the past week, so that was really annoying, because I actually need it. So I did what any of us would do in this situation-- I decided to watch some YouTube videos. They inspired me, and made me want to get up and create. So I got up, ate breakfast, and left for my favorite local coffee shop, intending to upload a video and kill some time in an atmosphere that I love. 

   Since I’m a regular at this place, I noticed almost immediately that there was a new barista working. He was tall, dark, and handsome in the most cliché sense of the term. When I went up to order and heard him speak, I noticed that he was also British. I don’t mean to be one of those girls who automatically swoons the second she hears a British accent, but let’s face it, my first crush was Harry Potter. But it wasn’t just the accent. He was actually a nice guy. He asked every person who came up how their day was going, including me. And while I would usually balk, get nervous, and make some lame excuse at something like this, today I found myself feeling comfortable enough to actually tell the truth. I told him about my rude awakening, and he actually seemed to care. Then when I said, “At least I’ll be more productive today,” he replied, “Yes, you always get your best work done in the morning.” And I don’t know why, but that simple interaction just lifted me up. It gave me hope. 

    Although most days social interactions exhaust me, this one made me want to try harder more often. It made me want to be this kind of person. The kind of person who can make someone’s possibly shitty day a lot better with a smile and a British accent. I guess I just want to say that you should keep an eye out for the good moments in the days when it seems like nothing could go right. Because they’re there, and they’re beautiful. Don’t write a day off just because it got off to a rocky start. I mean, look at me. I took that early bird wake up call (pun intended) and made it work in my favor.

   Also, doing this— just going out early in the morning with my laptop and music— inspired the hell out of me. So while I know it’s easy and appealing for creative people to say, “I’m uninspired, I think I’m just going to stay home and watch Parks & Recreation for the third time this year...” It’s so much better for you to do the exact opposite. Get out there, see the world. Get up early, stay out late. Experience the shitty things and the delightful surprises, and write, create, think, make art about all of them. Because all of those experiences, whether they are good or bad, in the end are just experiences. And at the end of our lives, that’s all that matters. Experiences, moments, stories, they’re truly the only currency we have. I’m starting to realize that, all because a stupid bird woke me up at 5:30 this morning and prevented me from going back to sleep. How crazy is that? 

   So the next time you're having a crappy day, do as Jean-Ralphio Saperstein from Parks & Recreation says, and "turn that friz-own upsi-dizzity."

 -Fran

"What Are You Doing This Weekend?"

  When people ask me this, I sometimes feel a little panicked. Because I know what they’re really asking. “Do you want to hang out this weekend?” And sometimes I just don’t. But I think that’s okay. To say no to hanging out with people, not because you’re sick, not because you’re tired, but because you just don’t want to. Because you’d rather hang out with you for a weekend. That’s what I did this weekend. 

  On Friday night, I watched The Imitation Game with my Dad, because we both love Benedict Cumberbatch. I didn’t have to work Saturday, so I woke up late, went to a bakery with my sister, and then did a major Mother’s Day Target run with her. I came home and watched Game of Thrones for the rest of the afternoon. I started re-reading To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, even though I read it when it came out last year. I lit my new Jasmine and Patchouli candle. I read the new Mindy Kaling cover of InStyle. I went for a "lilac walk" around the neighborhood with my mom. (It’s just what it sounds like: we walked around the neighborhood and every time we saw a lilac bush we stopped and breathed in the heavenly scent.) I watched Into The Woods by myself, and Snapchatted some of the funniest moments.

   On Sunday, I ran some errands. I went to the bookstore and perused the shelves for an hour, and didn't even buy anything. Then it started raining, so I watched Daredevil and Game of Thrones. I finished To All The Boys I've Loved Before. We celebrated Mother's Day quietly and without much fuss, because that's what my Mom wanted. I watched an episode of Gilmore Girls with my sister. I generally hung out by myself. And when it came time to feel guilty about putting off hanging out with friends, I chose not to. Because it’s okay to choose yourself. It’s okay to spend time with yourself, laughing at shows and writing and smelling scents you like. It’s okay to love yourself, and it’s okay to value yourself. It’s not selfish, it's self-preservation. And I highly recommend you try it out sometime. 

 -Fran

In Bloom

       Lately, I’ve been trying to do things that scare me. Whether it’s driving myself downtown to a writing class where I get honest, realistic critiques of my work, or going on a blind date with someone I barely know. The only way I’ve been able to convince myself to do these things is by telling myself one thing over and over, like a mantra. “Even if this goes badly, it’s an experience, and you can write about it.” And somehow, miraculously, that has changed everything. Now I look at every opportunity that presents itself to me as an experience. Good or bad, up or down, no matter how it turns out, I get life points for it. And this has made all the difference. I'm finding myself more inclined to try new things, and I’m just so happy that I discovered this little trick to sidestepping my anxiety. 

      This little technique doesn’t completely eliminate my anxiety, however. All it does it make me more willing to withstand it, and not let it hold me back. I still get anxious every week when I drive to my class— afraid I won’t find a parking spot in time, afraid of being approached on the street, afraid of rejection in the class itself. And lord knows I had a whole truckload of fears about my blind date. But ultimately, my desire to learn and to take in these experiences is stronger than my fear. And I’m starting to think that’s the key to all of this. If you have anxiety, just search high and low until you find a reason to go out that is stronger than your reason to stay home. 

     Some of us are late bloomers. It takes some of us a while to find our niche, to find a reason to go out in the world and experience it. But I promise you, no matter how certain you are that you won’t, one day, you will find that reason. And you’ll go out into the world and start doing what you’ve always dreamed of and start becoming the person you’ve always known you could be. It occurred to me recently that when you start to feel like you're total shit, like you'll never accomplish all that you dream... that's when you know you're close. 

    I hope this has motivated you to go out there and go after whatever it is that you are passionate about. That's what I'm trying to do right now. Thank you for reading, and I hope you all have a great week!

 -Fran