On Writing & Self-Doubt

  

 I am so scared right now. Like, really, really scared. I’m tackling quite a few huge creative projects at the moment, and I feel like running for the nearest exit, because they are all extremely intimidating. As some of you may know, I’ve been working on a novel since November of 2014. I've experienced some ups and downs with this draft, but in recent months I’ve gotten back on track with it. It’s pretty close to being finished, (the first draft, anyway) and that absolutely terrifies me. I don’t want to be done with these characters and their stories and their voices and their lives. Because whenever I can’t think of what I should do next, I just think up a new scenario for Margaux. (My main character.) And for a moment, that makes everything better. So I’m afraid to be done with it because that’ll mean I’ll have to move onto Step 2. Editing. Sending it off to publishers. Querying. The part that I’ve never been very good at. And while the writing groups I’ve joined in the past few months have been helping me with this, as well as helping me build confidence, I still don’t feel 100% okay with it all. There are still days when I think: Is this even worth it? Is anything I write even good at all?

   The other thing I’m working on is a web series. I have been hesitant to tell you about it, partly because it wasn’t a feasible reality until two weeks ago, partly because I was afraid, and partly to build suspense/hype. But now it’s happening, and I’m going to start filming this summer, and I want to tell you about it. I’m not going to give many details, (for that suspense reason I mentioned before) but all you need to know is that it’s a web series and I’m super excited about it. But I’m also really scared, for a variety of reasons. A web series isn’t like a novel. People are going to see it a lot sooner than they’re ever going to read my novel. They’re going to see my writing in action, my directorial skills, my acting. And that scares the life out of me. Because I think: What if it’s complete shit? What if I waste everyone’s time, including my own? What if this isn’t what I should be doing, and this proves it? What if I'm not actually a writer? What if what if what if?

   Sometimes I become petrified that nothing will ever come of this. That I'll work myself to the bone week in and week out...for nothing. That I won’t become a best-selling author, (or even a selling author) no one will ever read what I write, and I’ll end up working at the library for the rest of my life. And while I know that wouldn’t be a bad life, it’s not the life I want. I want to tell stories, because that’s really all we have. In my opinion, stories are the only things that are worth anything in this world. So it scares me that there's a chance I might not be very good at the one thing that means anything to me. What would I even do otherwise? But then I think, No. There’s this quote I have posted above my desk that reads,

   "The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling." -Fabienne Fredrickson

   And I think that’s true. I have to believe that the things we are passionate about, the things that get us out of bed in the morning, are the things that we are meant to be doing. Even if my worst fears are true, and I’m not as good as I’d like to be, I have to believe that if it’s truly my calling, I will do anything in my power to get better.

  In other news, last week I wrote a piece on why it's okay to be alone and submitted it to Local Wolves (an awesome online lit mag) for their upcoming #TeamSolitude issue. And just yesterday I got an email saying that it's going to be published. So I'm taking this as a sign that I'm on the right track. I just felt the need to be completely honest with you guys, because I think we all feel this way sometimes, and there's no use trying to hide it. I'm scared right now, sure. But I'm also excited. Here's one last quote that's making me feel better right now.

 "A good goal should scare you a little and excite you a lot." -Chris Soriano

And they do, so I guess I'm okay.

 -Fran

Milestones

 


   Above are some snapshots I took last night, before my final writing class began. The downtown writer's center where I have been taking classes has a really beautiful waiting room, equipped with comfy chairs and lined with bookshelves full of not just books, but literature. Every week I found myself noticing a new title, but it wasn't until last night that I noticed this one. I know they say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but just LOOK AT IT. It's beautiful! Anyway, now to the real point of this blog post.

  I look for signs everywhere. Signs that I’m doing the right thing, signs that I’m not, signs that this is the path I should take over that one. Sometimes, they’re obvious. A beautiful, brightly colored leaf lying on the floor by my seat, where I had been sitting with a friend debating making the trip to Rochester. That was my sign that I should figure out a way to go. But sometimes they’re more subtle than that. For instance, I didn’t really get a clear sign that I should sign up for this writing class downtown. But once I did, I had this amazing, overwhelming feeling that I had chosen right.

  When I arrived on the first night of the 8 week fiction writing course back in January, I didn’t really know what to expect. I am much more sure of myself as a writer than I am as a human being. In group environments, I’m pretty quiet at first, until I figure out the vibe of the group, and then I let my true nature shine through. I knew that we’d be doing fiction writing exercises, and that there would be some critique, but that was about it. What I loved about this class was how it pushed me to look at my story differently. Every time we did an exercise, I came away from it having learned something new about my character, my story, or myself as a writer. Each exercise challenged me, and helped me in some way. 

  So when that class ended and it came time to sign up for the next class, fittingly titled Novel Boot Camp, I did what most people would do. I waited until the last minute. Then, after I learned that the friends I had made during the coarse of the first class were also taking it, signed up at the last possible second and caused myself a ton of anxiety about changing my work schedule. 

  But honestly, all that anxiety was worth it. Last night was the last class of this session, and probably my last class for a while, and I’m so glad that I did it. First and foremost, it got me working on my story again. And not only working on it, but working on it and thinking about it critically. For once, it felt like all my hard work and hours spent writing paid off, because at the end of each week people actually read what I wrote, and had things to say about it. So that was thrilling, terrifying, and rewarding all at once. And you know what? It made me more confident. Every week people would tell me that I have a strong voice, that they love my characters, that this or that is extremely relatable. Someone even wrote, “Your writing style strikes a nice balance between entertaining and thought provoking.” I mean, what more can a girl ask for? But they also pushed me to be better. When something wasn’t working, they didn’t just tear me down. They gave suggestions as to how I could make it really fantastic, which was so helpful and instrumental. 

  So that brings me to the second aspect of this class that I loved: the people. I’ve always wanted to be in a writing group, a book club, or some place where I could have intellectual discussions and really pick apart a piece of writing. And I know some of you may be thinking, "But Fran! School has exactly that! You should go to college!" And while you may be a tiny bit right, because I did love the English course I took in my senior year of high school, I would argue that college really isn’t the best forum for this. So many people are just there for the credit. In and out. No one, not even me, wants to linger in the classroom any longer than they have to. But this little 8 week course was such a great alternative to that, because we all wanted to be there. There was no homework, just the desire to help each other make our work better. And that really showed through. The passion that sometimes erupted in the room when we all got fired up about a certain passage or idea— that’s what I’m after. At the end of these 8 weeks, I really feel like I got to know these people through their work. And I've come to like them. I think they feel the same way as well, because we’re organizing our own little outside get-togethers between now and when the next class starts. That makes me so happy, because this is something I’ve always wanted. I’ve always longed to be a part of a group that really cares about writing. Now that I finally am, I wouldn’t trade it for any degree program out there.

  This class also marks a momentous milestone for me. A year ago, I had no desire to write, no desire to be in the classroom, no desire to interact socially, and no desire to drive. A year ago, there was no way I would have driven myself downtown every week, parked my car on the sketchy streets, and gone into a room full of adults and shared my writing. But now look at me. I did exactly that! For 8 whole weeks, I did that! Through panic attacks and not feeling well; through not being able to find parking and being afraid of people on the streets. Even when my mom said, "It's okay for you to come home," I did it. I faced my fears, and I’m so proud of myself for that right now. I know that my path is different. I’m not your typical 19 year old, (and not in that cliche YA novel protagonist way) but that’s okay. Because I’m figuring it out, one tiny baby step at a time. 

I hope you all have an awesome weekend,

 -Fran

"Turn That Friz-own Upsi-dizzity"

   

   In all honesty, I thought today was going to be total shit. I woke up at 5:30 to the sound of a woodpecker slamming its beak into the wood paneling of my house in search of food, which just so happened to be right above my headboard. As luck would have it, I was right in the middle of a dream where the cast of Parks & Recreation and I were on a hike through the woods. Tom Haverford was saying something funny and then suddenly it sounded like someone was drilling nails into my bedroom wall. What kind of terrible luck is that? And to make matters worse, after I ran outside and chased it away, I couldn’t get back to sleep. I haven’t been sleeping very well for the past week, so that was really annoying, because I actually need it. So I did what any of us would do in this situation-- I decided to watch some YouTube videos. They inspired me, and made me want to get up and create. So I got up, ate breakfast, and left for my favorite local coffee shop, intending to upload a video and kill some time in an atmosphere that I love. 

   Since I’m a regular at this place, I noticed almost immediately that there was a new barista working. He was tall, dark, and handsome in the most cliché sense of the term. When I went up to order and heard him speak, I noticed that he was also British. I don’t mean to be one of those girls who automatically swoons the second she hears a British accent, but let’s face it, my first crush was Harry Potter. But it wasn’t just the accent. He was actually a nice guy. He asked every person who came up how their day was going, including me. And while I would usually balk, get nervous, and make some lame excuse at something like this, today I found myself feeling comfortable enough to actually tell the truth. I told him about my rude awakening, and he actually seemed to care. Then when I said, “At least I’ll be more productive today,” he replied, “Yes, you always get your best work done in the morning.” And I don’t know why, but that simple interaction just lifted me up. It gave me hope. 

    Although most days social interactions exhaust me, this one made me want to try harder more often. It made me want to be this kind of person. The kind of person who can make someone’s possibly shitty day a lot better with a smile and a British accent. I guess I just want to say that you should keep an eye out for the good moments in the days when it seems like nothing could go right. Because they’re there, and they’re beautiful. Don’t write a day off just because it got off to a rocky start. I mean, look at me. I took that early bird wake up call (pun intended) and made it work in my favor.

   Also, doing this— just going out early in the morning with my laptop and music— inspired the hell out of me. So while I know it’s easy and appealing for creative people to say, “I’m uninspired, I think I’m just going to stay home and watch Parks & Recreation for the third time this year...” It’s so much better for you to do the exact opposite. Get out there, see the world. Get up early, stay out late. Experience the shitty things and the delightful surprises, and write, create, think, make art about all of them. Because all of those experiences, whether they are good or bad, in the end are just experiences. And at the end of our lives, that’s all that matters. Experiences, moments, stories, they’re truly the only currency we have. I’m starting to realize that, all because a stupid bird woke me up at 5:30 this morning and prevented me from going back to sleep. How crazy is that? 

   So the next time you're having a crappy day, do as Jean-Ralphio Saperstein from Parks & Recreation says, and "turn that friz-own upsi-dizzity."

 -Fran

"What Are You Doing This Weekend?"

  When people ask me this, I sometimes feel a little panicked. Because I know what they’re really asking. “Do you want to hang out this weekend?” And sometimes I just don’t. But I think that’s okay. To say no to hanging out with people, not because you’re sick, not because you’re tired, but because you just don’t want to. Because you’d rather hang out with you for a weekend. That’s what I did this weekend. 

  On Friday night, I watched The Imitation Game with my Dad, because we both love Benedict Cumberbatch. I didn’t have to work Saturday, so I woke up late, went to a bakery with my sister, and then did a major Mother’s Day Target run with her. I came home and watched Game of Thrones for the rest of the afternoon. I started re-reading To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, even though I read it when it came out last year. I lit my new Jasmine and Patchouli candle. I read the new Mindy Kaling cover of InStyle. I went for a "lilac walk" around the neighborhood with my mom. (It’s just what it sounds like: we walked around the neighborhood and every time we saw a lilac bush we stopped and breathed in the heavenly scent.) I watched Into The Woods by myself, and Snapchatted some of the funniest moments.

   On Sunday, I ran some errands. I went to the bookstore and perused the shelves for an hour, and didn't even buy anything. Then it started raining, so I watched Daredevil and Game of Thrones. I finished To All The Boys I've Loved Before. We celebrated Mother's Day quietly and without much fuss, because that's what my Mom wanted. I watched an episode of Gilmore Girls with my sister. I generally hung out by myself. And when it came time to feel guilty about putting off hanging out with friends, I chose not to. Because it’s okay to choose yourself. It’s okay to spend time with yourself, laughing at shows and writing and smelling scents you like. It’s okay to love yourself, and it’s okay to value yourself. It’s not selfish, it's self-preservation. And I highly recommend you try it out sometime. 

 -Fran

In Bloom

       Lately, I’ve been trying to do things that scare me. Whether it’s driving myself downtown to a writing class where I get honest, realistic critiques of my work, or going on a blind date with someone I barely know. The only way I’ve been able to convince myself to do these things is by telling myself one thing over and over, like a mantra. “Even if this goes badly, it’s an experience, and you can write about it.” And somehow, miraculously, that has changed everything. Now I look at every opportunity that presents itself to me as an experience. Good or bad, up or down, no matter how it turns out, I get life points for it. And this has made all the difference. I'm finding myself more inclined to try new things, and I’m just so happy that I discovered this little trick to sidestepping my anxiety. 

      This little technique doesn’t completely eliminate my anxiety, however. All it does it make me more willing to withstand it, and not let it hold me back. I still get anxious every week when I drive to my class— afraid I won’t find a parking spot in time, afraid of being approached on the street, afraid of rejection in the class itself. And lord knows I had a whole truckload of fears about my blind date. But ultimately, my desire to learn and to take in these experiences is stronger than my fear. And I’m starting to think that’s the key to all of this. If you have anxiety, just search high and low until you find a reason to go out that is stronger than your reason to stay home. 

     Some of us are late bloomers. It takes some of us a while to find our niche, to find a reason to go out in the world and experience it. But I promise you, no matter how certain you are that you won’t, one day, you will find that reason. And you’ll go out into the world and start doing what you’ve always dreamed of and start becoming the person you’ve always known you could be. It occurred to me recently that when you start to feel like you're total shit, like you'll never accomplish all that you dream... that's when you know you're close. 

    I hope this has motivated you to go out there and go after whatever it is that you are passionate about. That's what I'm trying to do right now. Thank you for reading, and I hope you all have a great week!

 -Fran

This Blog Shall Be Neglected No More!

One thing you should know about me: my fatal flaw is that I always take on too much. It didn’t work when I was in high school and trying to: maintain a 95 average, write a novel, be the president of clubs, read a book a week, and watch 80 different tv shows per week. And, oddly enough, it still doesn't work now.

This past month, I was surprised when I couldn't manage to: write a novel, write regular web content, write a college essay, maintain this blog, and vlog daily. Who knew I can't actually do 500 things at once?! Huh. That was news to me!

But now that April and daily vlogging are both over, I’m back. I’ll be able to tell you about my weird little life again. And it’s gotten even weirder in this last month. So this is just my quick little way of saying— I’ll have some cool things coming your way in the near future. So keep an eye out for that. :) 

Happy Avengers Opening Weekend! 

I’ll be going to see it tomorrow with my friends and sister. I am neither emotionally nor mentally prepared for what I’m sure it’s going to do to me. 

Avengers Assemble!

 -Fran

What I've Been Watching #2

So it looks like this may become a semi-regular feature on my blog, because I’ve been watching a lot of great movies (and TV shows) lately!

Up first-- Big Hero 6. I know, I know, I’m very late to this bandwagon, but I didn’t see it in theaters, okay? I just got it from the library the other weekend, and oh my god. First of all, it made me cry a river of tears, which sometimes happens with Disney, but I was not expecting this much pain. It was very sweet, and the whole message of the film was really uplifting and wonderful. It also made me laugh, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m 19 and have a weird, ridiculous sense of humor, but I was cackling throughout. Baymax and his monotone humor just killed me. Also, I don’t know how to convey the importance of the line “Woman up!” Disney has the power to change future generations mindsets and opinions, and I’m really glad they’re finally doing something positive with it. In that vein, the diverse cast of characters was a really pleasant surprise, and again, a positive sign for Disney and the film industry in general. (Although I will not be satisfied until they make a Black Widow movie and we stop casting white actors in POC roles.)  

Next up is Whiplash. Ever since I heard all the hype surrounding this movie during awards season, I have been dying to see it. So when it finally came in for me at the library, I was pretty overjoyed. (I’m not exaggerating. As soon as I found out it was on hold for me, I practically sped to the library in my sweatpants and bedhead.) And it did not dissapoint. I commandeered the family room TV so I could be sure to have the surround sound this film obviously demanded, turned it up, and enjoyed myself. My brother even wandered in about half way through, and had a hard time leaving. Sure, the language might be considered rough for some, (certainly not for me) but I really loved this movie. It was harsh and unapologetic, real and heart-pounding. And refreshing, because I couldn’t possibly predict where it would go next. That’s not something you see very much in film these days. So obviously, I would highly recommend it. All critical notes aside, though, I just want to say that J.K. Simmons in this film is literally me. He’s so horrible and swears like a sailor and I feel like he’s my spirit animal.

The last movie on my list is St. Vincent. Obviously, since I was raised on Ghostbusters, I have an appreciation for Bill Murray’s style of comedy. Bill Murray is, whether he knows it or not, my comedic grandfather. And I really hope someone figures out this whole immortality thing soon, because I don’t even want to think about him dying. All that is my way of saying that I didn’t need a reason to watch this movie once I knew Bill Murray was in it. But it kind of went above and beyond all of my expectations. You wouldn’t think that a movie starring Bill Murray and Melissa McCarthy would turn out to be a heartwarming, family-style tearjerker. But it was. It starts off the kind of gritty, funny film that the trailer advertises, but it soon becomes apparent that it’s about the characters, their lives and their intersecting stories. It’s about family; it’s about finding the best in the most unexpected of people; it’s about finding hope after years of hopelessness. It was hilarious, but I’m not going to lie, I also cried my eyes out. I felt like such a fool for weeping over a Bill Murray movie. 

The one TV show I have to tell you about is The X-Files. I know, this show is from the really cheesy part of the 90’s, but there’s something about it that is simply irresistible. It’s got the same spooky-corny quality as Supernatural, which must be one of the reasons why I love it. It’s compulsively watchable, which is probably why it was on for 9 seasons! (And is returning with more episodes very soon!) I’m only in season 2, but I know it’s only a matter of time before I breeze through all 9. But after the post- It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia lull that happened in March, I’m glad to have a show that has 9 seasons. It’s comforting. I realize this sentiment is probably indicative of some sort of mental instability, but whatever. Moving on.  

Anyways, I'm sorry I haven't posted on this blog in a short while. I've been busy with Camp NaNoWriMo, and The X-Files has taken up more of my time than I'm ready to admit. But I'm going to try harder to be better in the future! :)

Happy Thursday,

 -Fran