Milestones

 


   Above are some snapshots I took last night, before my final writing class began. The downtown writer's center where I have been taking classes has a really beautiful waiting room, equipped with comfy chairs and lined with bookshelves full of not just books, but literature. Every week I found myself noticing a new title, but it wasn't until last night that I noticed this one. I know they say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but just LOOK AT IT. It's beautiful! Anyway, now to the real point of this blog post.

  I look for signs everywhere. Signs that I’m doing the right thing, signs that I’m not, signs that this is the path I should take over that one. Sometimes, they’re obvious. A beautiful, brightly colored leaf lying on the floor by my seat, where I had been sitting with a friend debating making the trip to Rochester. That was my sign that I should figure out a way to go. But sometimes they’re more subtle than that. For instance, I didn’t really get a clear sign that I should sign up for this writing class downtown. But once I did, I had this amazing, overwhelming feeling that I had chosen right.

  When I arrived on the first night of the 8 week fiction writing course back in January, I didn’t really know what to expect. I am much more sure of myself as a writer than I am as a human being. In group environments, I’m pretty quiet at first, until I figure out the vibe of the group, and then I let my true nature shine through. I knew that we’d be doing fiction writing exercises, and that there would be some critique, but that was about it. What I loved about this class was how it pushed me to look at my story differently. Every time we did an exercise, I came away from it having learned something new about my character, my story, or myself as a writer. Each exercise challenged me, and helped me in some way. 

  So when that class ended and it came time to sign up for the next class, fittingly titled Novel Boot Camp, I did what most people would do. I waited until the last minute. Then, after I learned that the friends I had made during the coarse of the first class were also taking it, signed up at the last possible second and caused myself a ton of anxiety about changing my work schedule. 

  But honestly, all that anxiety was worth it. Last night was the last class of this session, and probably my last class for a while, and I’m so glad that I did it. First and foremost, it got me working on my story again. And not only working on it, but working on it and thinking about it critically. For once, it felt like all my hard work and hours spent writing paid off, because at the end of each week people actually read what I wrote, and had things to say about it. So that was thrilling, terrifying, and rewarding all at once. And you know what? It made me more confident. Every week people would tell me that I have a strong voice, that they love my characters, that this or that is extremely relatable. Someone even wrote, “Your writing style strikes a nice balance between entertaining and thought provoking.” I mean, what more can a girl ask for? But they also pushed me to be better. When something wasn’t working, they didn’t just tear me down. They gave suggestions as to how I could make it really fantastic, which was so helpful and instrumental. 

  So that brings me to the second aspect of this class that I loved: the people. I’ve always wanted to be in a writing group, a book club, or some place where I could have intellectual discussions and really pick apart a piece of writing. And I know some of you may be thinking, "But Fran! School has exactly that! You should go to college!" And while you may be a tiny bit right, because I did love the English course I took in my senior year of high school, I would argue that college really isn’t the best forum for this. So many people are just there for the credit. In and out. No one, not even me, wants to linger in the classroom any longer than they have to. But this little 8 week course was such a great alternative to that, because we all wanted to be there. There was no homework, just the desire to help each other make our work better. And that really showed through. The passion that sometimes erupted in the room when we all got fired up about a certain passage or idea— that’s what I’m after. At the end of these 8 weeks, I really feel like I got to know these people through their work. And I've come to like them. I think they feel the same way as well, because we’re organizing our own little outside get-togethers between now and when the next class starts. That makes me so happy, because this is something I’ve always wanted. I’ve always longed to be a part of a group that really cares about writing. Now that I finally am, I wouldn’t trade it for any degree program out there.

  This class also marks a momentous milestone for me. A year ago, I had no desire to write, no desire to be in the classroom, no desire to interact socially, and no desire to drive. A year ago, there was no way I would have driven myself downtown every week, parked my car on the sketchy streets, and gone into a room full of adults and shared my writing. But now look at me. I did exactly that! For 8 whole weeks, I did that! Through panic attacks and not feeling well; through not being able to find parking and being afraid of people on the streets. Even when my mom said, "It's okay for you to come home," I did it. I faced my fears, and I’m so proud of myself for that right now. I know that my path is different. I’m not your typical 19 year old, (and not in that cliche YA novel protagonist way) but that’s okay. Because I’m figuring it out, one tiny baby step at a time. 

I hope you all have an awesome weekend,

 -Fran

"Turn That Friz-own Upsi-dizzity"

   

   In all honesty, I thought today was going to be total shit. I woke up at 5:30 to the sound of a woodpecker slamming its beak into the wood paneling of my house in search of food, which just so happened to be right above my headboard. As luck would have it, I was right in the middle of a dream where the cast of Parks & Recreation and I were on a hike through the woods. Tom Haverford was saying something funny and then suddenly it sounded like someone was drilling nails into my bedroom wall. What kind of terrible luck is that? And to make matters worse, after I ran outside and chased it away, I couldn’t get back to sleep. I haven’t been sleeping very well for the past week, so that was really annoying, because I actually need it. So I did what any of us would do in this situation-- I decided to watch some YouTube videos. They inspired me, and made me want to get up and create. So I got up, ate breakfast, and left for my favorite local coffee shop, intending to upload a video and kill some time in an atmosphere that I love. 

   Since I’m a regular at this place, I noticed almost immediately that there was a new barista working. He was tall, dark, and handsome in the most cliché sense of the term. When I went up to order and heard him speak, I noticed that he was also British. I don’t mean to be one of those girls who automatically swoons the second she hears a British accent, but let’s face it, my first crush was Harry Potter. But it wasn’t just the accent. He was actually a nice guy. He asked every person who came up how their day was going, including me. And while I would usually balk, get nervous, and make some lame excuse at something like this, today I found myself feeling comfortable enough to actually tell the truth. I told him about my rude awakening, and he actually seemed to care. Then when I said, “At least I’ll be more productive today,” he replied, “Yes, you always get your best work done in the morning.” And I don’t know why, but that simple interaction just lifted me up. It gave me hope. 

    Although most days social interactions exhaust me, this one made me want to try harder more often. It made me want to be this kind of person. The kind of person who can make someone’s possibly shitty day a lot better with a smile and a British accent. I guess I just want to say that you should keep an eye out for the good moments in the days when it seems like nothing could go right. Because they’re there, and they’re beautiful. Don’t write a day off just because it got off to a rocky start. I mean, look at me. I took that early bird wake up call (pun intended) and made it work in my favor.

   Also, doing this— just going out early in the morning with my laptop and music— inspired the hell out of me. So while I know it’s easy and appealing for creative people to say, “I’m uninspired, I think I’m just going to stay home and watch Parks & Recreation for the third time this year...” It’s so much better for you to do the exact opposite. Get out there, see the world. Get up early, stay out late. Experience the shitty things and the delightful surprises, and write, create, think, make art about all of them. Because all of those experiences, whether they are good or bad, in the end are just experiences. And at the end of our lives, that’s all that matters. Experiences, moments, stories, they’re truly the only currency we have. I’m starting to realize that, all because a stupid bird woke me up at 5:30 this morning and prevented me from going back to sleep. How crazy is that? 

   So the next time you're having a crappy day, do as Jean-Ralphio Saperstein from Parks & Recreation says, and "turn that friz-own upsi-dizzity."

 -Fran

"What Are You Doing This Weekend?"

  When people ask me this, I sometimes feel a little panicked. Because I know what they’re really asking. “Do you want to hang out this weekend?” And sometimes I just don’t. But I think that’s okay. To say no to hanging out with people, not because you’re sick, not because you’re tired, but because you just don’t want to. Because you’d rather hang out with you for a weekend. That’s what I did this weekend. 

  On Friday night, I watched The Imitation Game with my Dad, because we both love Benedict Cumberbatch. I didn’t have to work Saturday, so I woke up late, went to a bakery with my sister, and then did a major Mother’s Day Target run with her. I came home and watched Game of Thrones for the rest of the afternoon. I started re-reading To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, even though I read it when it came out last year. I lit my new Jasmine and Patchouli candle. I read the new Mindy Kaling cover of InStyle. I went for a "lilac walk" around the neighborhood with my mom. (It’s just what it sounds like: we walked around the neighborhood and every time we saw a lilac bush we stopped and breathed in the heavenly scent.) I watched Into The Woods by myself, and Snapchatted some of the funniest moments.

   On Sunday, I ran some errands. I went to the bookstore and perused the shelves for an hour, and didn't even buy anything. Then it started raining, so I watched Daredevil and Game of Thrones. I finished To All The Boys I've Loved Before. We celebrated Mother's Day quietly and without much fuss, because that's what my Mom wanted. I watched an episode of Gilmore Girls with my sister. I generally hung out by myself. And when it came time to feel guilty about putting off hanging out with friends, I chose not to. Because it’s okay to choose yourself. It’s okay to spend time with yourself, laughing at shows and writing and smelling scents you like. It’s okay to love yourself, and it’s okay to value yourself. It’s not selfish, it's self-preservation. And I highly recommend you try it out sometime. 

 -Fran

In Bloom

       Lately, I’ve been trying to do things that scare me. Whether it’s driving myself downtown to a writing class where I get honest, realistic critiques of my work, or going on a blind date with someone I barely know. The only way I’ve been able to convince myself to do these things is by telling myself one thing over and over, like a mantra. “Even if this goes badly, it’s an experience, and you can write about it.” And somehow, miraculously, that has changed everything. Now I look at every opportunity that presents itself to me as an experience. Good or bad, up or down, no matter how it turns out, I get life points for it. And this has made all the difference. I'm finding myself more inclined to try new things, and I’m just so happy that I discovered this little trick to sidestepping my anxiety. 

      This little technique doesn’t completely eliminate my anxiety, however. All it does it make me more willing to withstand it, and not let it hold me back. I still get anxious every week when I drive to my class— afraid I won’t find a parking spot in time, afraid of being approached on the street, afraid of rejection in the class itself. And lord knows I had a whole truckload of fears about my blind date. But ultimately, my desire to learn and to take in these experiences is stronger than my fear. And I’m starting to think that’s the key to all of this. If you have anxiety, just search high and low until you find a reason to go out that is stronger than your reason to stay home. 

     Some of us are late bloomers. It takes some of us a while to find our niche, to find a reason to go out in the world and experience it. But I promise you, no matter how certain you are that you won’t, one day, you will find that reason. And you’ll go out into the world and start doing what you’ve always dreamed of and start becoming the person you’ve always known you could be. It occurred to me recently that when you start to feel like you're total shit, like you'll never accomplish all that you dream... that's when you know you're close. 

    I hope this has motivated you to go out there and go after whatever it is that you are passionate about. That's what I'm trying to do right now. Thank you for reading, and I hope you all have a great week!

 -Fran

This Blog Shall Be Neglected No More!

One thing you should know about me: my fatal flaw is that I always take on too much. It didn’t work when I was in high school and trying to: maintain a 95 average, write a novel, be the president of clubs, read a book a week, and watch 80 different tv shows per week. And, oddly enough, it still doesn't work now.

This past month, I was surprised when I couldn't manage to: write a novel, write regular web content, write a college essay, maintain this blog, and vlog daily. Who knew I can't actually do 500 things at once?! Huh. That was news to me!

But now that April and daily vlogging are both over, I’m back. I’ll be able to tell you about my weird little life again. And it’s gotten even weirder in this last month. So this is just my quick little way of saying— I’ll have some cool things coming your way in the near future. So keep an eye out for that. :) 

Happy Avengers Opening Weekend! 

I’ll be going to see it tomorrow with my friends and sister. I am neither emotionally nor mentally prepared for what I’m sure it’s going to do to me. 

Avengers Assemble!

 -Fran